Torture the Louds
by Flagg1991
Summary: I'm Flagg1991, and I have a personal vendetta against the Loud family...but I need your help. Cover by Lentex.
1. Chapter 1

The Loud family sits together on the couch, crammed together like sardines in a dime store tin. Their hands are bound behind their backs and duct tape covers their mouths. Fear is evident in their eyes, and on their sweaty brows. Lynn squirms as she tries to get free, but it's no use. Leni is silently crying.

A man sits in a kitchen chair, facing them, a revolver in his hand. He turns around and smiles. "Oh, I didn't hear you come in." He tucks the gun into his sports coat and stands. "I'm Flagg1991, and this is Torture The Louds. See, a couple months back, I was on my way to a lady friend's house for some "alone time" if you catch my meaning." Flagg1991 smiles and walks over to the couch, never looking away. "Then this piece of shit van" – here he rolls his neck like Miss Thang – "looking like it's been dead twenty years, rust flakes flying off in the wind, pulls out in front of me... _and does the fucking speed limit_."

Flagg1991 shakes his head. "Crazy, right? Shit was coming out the windows, toys and trash, kids were sticking their arms out, this dumbass with braces and Graucho Marx glasses was pointing at laughing at me in the back window. I was _pissed_. But I would have forgiven it, expect I was a half hour late, and got there just to find out my friend got tired of waiting and fucked her neighbor." Flagg1991 looks back at the Loud family, then again to the fourth wall. "Since that day, I've had a personal vendetta against these guys. I've written over 200,000 words of fan fiction where they die, get pregnant, sprain their ankles, fall down, look stupid, and embarrass themselves. Now, I'm bringing it to the real world, but I need some help. I just don't know what to do. That's where you come in. Call 1-800-255-LOUD and give me some ideas. Standard data rates may apply."

Flagg1991 looks at the Louds again. "It can be anything. I can tickle Leni 'til she pees herself, knock out Mr. Loud's teeth...I can even invite my good friend Kenny Rogers over for a duet." He takes the gun from his jacket and sings into the barrel to the tune of "Islands in the Stream" – but _very_ off-key: "Assholes on the couch, that is what you are, oh-ohhh-ohh." Laughing, he slides the gun back in. "Really, the only limit is your imagination, so get on those phones now."


	2. Chapter 2

The sound of a ringing phone fills the room. "Ah, our first caller!" Flagg1991 says delightedly, picking up the handset. "Hello, caller, you're on Torture the Louds. What should I do?"

"Make everyone kick Lynn Jr. in the balls until it is unrepairable."

Flagg1991 looks into the fourth wall, one eye brow raised. He looks over his shoulder at the family, then back. Sighing, he puts the phone down. "Alright, caller, apparently your parents never gave you 'the talk' and I'm going to have to do that now. Lynn Jr. is a girl, and girls have different parts than boys. Boys have nuts. Girls do not. Shocking, I know. Next caller."

"How about...you call up Kenny rogers and tell him to go get Bobby and bring him to the Loud house, you both beat the shit out of him a bit while you make Lori watch, and then hand Lori a gun while also threatening to shoot Lincoln and Lily if she doesn't shoot Bobby."

Flagg1991's eyes light up. "You know what? I _like_ that idea. I haven't seen Kenny since...gee, Spring Break 2015." He pulls out his cellphone and shoots Kenny a text. Fifteen minutes later, the front door bursts open, and Bobby stumbled inside, falling to his knees. Behind him is a big, fat slob in a white western style shirt and khaki pants. His gray hair is stuck out at crazy angles, his squinted eyes are bleary and bloodshot, and his jowls are covered in a week's worth of stubble. In his hand he holds a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels. He looks like a drunk fresh off a three day bender. In his defense, he _is_ a drunk fresh off a three day bender. "Hi," he slurs, "I'm Kenny Rogers!" He takes a swig from the bottle.

Flagg1991 laughs. "There you are, you old alcoholic, come here."

Closing the door with his foot, Kenny grabs Bobby by the back of his shirt and drags him over, dropping him in front of the couch. "I got your friend."

"Bobby!" Flagg1991 cries happily, getting down on one knee and patting Bobby's head. "Bobbino. The Bobster. Row-bear-tow."

Bobby looks up. "What's going on?"

"We're playing a game, Bobby. Do you like games?"

"What _kind_ of game?"

"Well, get on your feet and we'll show you." Flagg1991 gets up and draws Bobby into a standing position. "Kenny?"

Kenny pulls something out of his pocket and flicks his wrist. It's a retractable baton. He rears back and brings it forward, cracking Bobby in the side of the head; Bobby drops to the floor, and Flagg1991 and Kenny Rogers start stomping his ass into the carpet. Everyone on the couch is yelling behind the tape covering their mouths, Lori weeping. All Bobby can do is curl up in a ball and try to defend his face. Kenny kicks him in the guts, then the nuts.

"Hey, Kenny, you ever see Goodfellas?" Flagg1991 asks, stomping Bobby on the head.

"Yessir! You ever see the one where he makes the black guy eat the curb?"

"Hahah, I have!"

Kenny kicks Bobby in the stomach again, and Bobby's hands fly away from his face. Flagg1991 seizes he opportunity and kicks him square in the nose: It bursts like an overripe tomato.

"Alright, alright, that's enough," Flagg1991 says.

Kenny takes a swig and squats over Bobby. "He gon' be pissin' blood for a month!"

"Actually," Flagg1991 says, "there's a part two to the challenge. The great bee oh double bee doesn't _have_ a month." He looks pointedly at Lori, her eyes widening. "You got your gun, Kenny?"

"I sure do." He pulls out a Colt from the Civil War or some shit. It has a super long barrel.

"Damn, Kenny," Flagg1991 says as he takes the gun, "this thing is almost as old as you are."

Getting up, Flagg1991 goes behind the couch, pushes Lori forward, and unbinds her hands. He rips the tape off her mouth, and she screams.

"Here's what's going to happen, Lori-hole. I'm going to give you Kenny's gun, you're going to put it against Bobby's head, and you're going to pull the trigger. If you don't..." Flagg1991 picks Lilly up and sticks his gun against her head. "Lady gaga poo-poo here's not gonna live to see two."

Lori breaks down crying. "Come over here, Kenny."

Kenny waddles over, taking another pull at the bottle. "If you try anything funny, I'll kill everyone. Got it?"

He hands the gun to Lori.

"That thing only gets one shot," Kenny slurs.

"You hear that? One shot. Don't miss. Because _I_ won't."

Bobby grabs hold of the couch and lifts himself up. His lips are split, his nose is broken, and his eyes are swollen. Crying, Lori puts the gun against his forehead and pulls the trigger. His skull explodes, splattering Lori and the other Louds with blood, chunks of brain matter, and bits of bone fragments.

"Damn, Kenny," Flagg1991 says, "that thing packs a _punch_."

Sitting Lilly back on the couch, Flagg1991 reties Lori's hands. He then picks up the phone. "Caller, what you got?"

"Challenge Mr. Loud to a full on fist fight, whoever wins? Gets to win or keep Rita Loud."

Flagg1991 shrugs. "Sure." He sets the phone down. "Untie poppa, Kenny."

Kenny frees Mr. Loud then rips the tape off his mouth.

"Alright, dad," Flagg1991 says, putting up his fists, "you and me." He bobs and weaves. "Winner gets to do your wife tonight."

Mr. Loud looks strickenly around. "I-I-I'm not much of a fighter."

"Come on," Flagg1991 says, hopping toward the couch, ducking, and throwing a punch at the air, "or do you want me to fight Lynn? You little bitch. Have your daughter do it? She'll probably be more of a challenge."

Looking scared, Mr. Loud gets up. Flagg1991 taps his chin. "Come on, big guy. One free throw."

Mr. Loud throws a punch. It connects with Flagg1991's chin; his head whips around, then back as he retaliates, hitting Mr. Loud under the chin with a sick uppercut. He flies into the air and lands on the couch, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"Damn!" Kenny yells, covering his mouth with his fist.

"Guess what you get to do tonight, mama?" Flagg1991 asks Mrs. Loud. "You lucky dog."

Flagg1991 goes back to the phone. "Next caller, what it do?"

"What about throwing Leni in a put full of venomous spiders?"

"Alright."

Flagg1991 looks over his shoulder. "Hey, Kenny, see that remote control on the table?"

Kenny looks around. "Got it."

"Hit the red button."

Kenny does, and a pit opens up in front of the couch. Flagg1991 goes over, grabs Leni, and drags her to the edge. She's trembling and crying. "I hear you like spiders," he said, shoving her head over the pit and forcing her to look down. "Well, have I got a treat for you." He shoves Leni in, and she disappears.

For five minutes, nothing happens, then Flagg1991 says, "that should be enough. Kenny...go get her."

Kenny does a double take. "Huh? I'm not going down there."

"Yes you are."

"Like hell."

"Kenny...I'm not asking."

Kenny sighs and throws his arms around in a show of impotent rage. "Fine."

"Get your bathing suit."

A couple minutes later, Kenny comes into the room wearing a pair of swim trunks, little arm floaties, goggles, and a snorkel, his hairy tits jiggling with every step.

"Alright," Flagg1991 says, "over the edge."

Kenny shakes his head, sits on the edge of the pit, and falls in backwards. A few minutes later, he shoves Leni out of the hole. She's covered in bites. "This hurts so bad!" Kenny wails!

Flagg1991 grabs Leni and drags her over to the couch. Kenny reaches out his hand, and Flagg1991 slaps it. "Low five."

Shaking, Kenny claws his way out of the pit and lies on the floor, panting. "Where's my hooch?"

Flagg1991 hands him the bottle.

"Alright," he says, looking at the fourth wall with a malicious grin. "Next caller..."


	3. Chapter 3

The phone rings, and Flagg1991 picks it up. "Yeah?"

"Louds, I command you all to be free and never take another order from the likes of Flagg1991 ever again.-P.S. Flagg1991-I will never stop until all the louds and anyone else who you enslaved are free. Leave this family and their friends alone for I am and my friends are coming for you."

"Ooooo, is that a threat? You gonna come down here and do something?"

Flagg1991 covers the mouthpiece with his hand and looks over his shoulder. "Hey, Kenny, this guy says he's going to kick your ass."

"Well, you tell him to bring it," Kenny slurs.

"You hear that caller? Bring it. We're at 1216 Franklin Avenue."

Flagg1991 hangs up the phone. The front door bursts open, and a figure enters. It's tall, thin, and wearing a football helmet, a sheet tied around its neck like a cape, and underwear on the outside of its jeans. It enters, puts its hands on its hips, and lets loose a mighty autistic screech. "I am Max Hero!"

Another figure enters, this one a morbidly obese man in a tight red shirt. He is wearing glasses, has a neckbeard filled with Dorito bits and Cheeto dust, and is wearing stupid foam Hulk gloves on his hands. "I am Brandon Bot."

"We're here to make you pay for your crimes, evildoer!" Max Hero shouts. Grinning, Flagg1991 rolls up his sleeves. Kenny Rogers takes out his retractable baton, flicks his wrist, and comes around the couch.

"Come on," Flagg1991 says, making a "come hither" gesture. "Let's see what you got."

Max Hero throws his head back and lets fly another screech. Not smart. Flagg1991 grabs him by the throat with both hands and squeezes. Kenny advances on Brandon Bot, the baton raised. "This ain't no comic con, boy," Kenny says. "You 'bout to get yo' ass whipped."

Choking, his eyes bulging out, Max Hero falls to his knees, and Flagg1991 continues throttling the life out of him, his teeth bared. Kenny brings the baton down on Brandon Bot's head, and the fat hero wannabe topples over light a fallen oak. Kenny raises the baton and brings it down across the pathetic excuse for a savior's stomach, and he cries out in a rush of air.

Max Hero is unconscious now, his head lolling. Flagg1991 tightens his grip. Kenny kicks Brandon Bot repeatedly in the head.

Satisfied that Max Hero is dead, Flagg1991 lets go, and he falls to the carpet. He then goes over and helps Kenny stomp Brandon Bot to death. Blood is everywhere. And the smell of failure.

Another figure appears at the door, a black boy in a purple spandex suit and a pink face mask. "I'm with Heroes Central, and your days are numbered!"

Kenny whips out his gun and points it at him. He pales. "Uhhh...nevermind."

He turns tail and runs like a little bitch.

"Next caller!" Flagg1991 cries.


	4. Chapter 4

The phone rings and Flagg1991 picks it up. "This is the request line."

"I want to see Leni failing to answer an easy question, and as punishment a family member would be killed (or whatever you want, I just want to see her being berated for her idiocy)."

An evil grin touches Flagg1991's lips. " _That_ sounds like fun."

He puts the phone down and turns to the Loud family. Kenny Rogers is standing behind the couch, looking fat and old. "Hey, Kenny, take that tape offa Leni's mouth."

Nodding, Kenny rips the tape off Leni's mouth, and she lets out a pitiful "Ouch!"

"Leni, honey," Flagg1991 says, "where are your sunglasses?"

They're on the top of her head. Like they always are (does she ever even _wear_ them?).

"Hmmm," Leni says, cocking her head. "I don't know."

Flagg1991 sighs. "Kenny, slap that dumb bitch in her head."

Kenny smacks Leni's head. A hollow _clunk_ fills the room. "Ow!"

"Leni...what's 2 plus 2?"

"Uhhh...Monday?"

Flagg1991 laughs. "You're really fucking stupid, you know that? I mean, do you even have a brain in that head of yours? You're a moron, an idiot, a goddamn retard, it's people like you who bring the rest of society down. Have you ever had sex, Leni? I hope to God you haven't and I hope to God you don't, because just knowing that you're running around and potentially polluting the gene pool scares me. It fucking _scares_ me. The thought that one of my descendants will one day met up with one of yours and have sex makes me want to cut my penis off and never procreate. You're so dumb, and everyone pities you, Leni. They pity how goddamn retarded you are."

"I seen some dumb motherfuckers in my time," Kenny says, "but you take the cake." He laughs. "I mean, you got to be _the_ dumbest girl ever. You make Dolly Parton look like a rocket scientist, and let me tell you, Dolly is _dumb_."

Leni breaks down crying.

"Aw," Flagg1991 says, "look at the little dumb baby crying. Boo-hoo-hoo."

Kenny leans over the couch next to Leni. "Boo-fucking-hoo."

"Dumbass."

"Idjit."

"Failure."

"Braindead."

Leni sobs harder.

"If you had a couple more IQ points, you'd qualify for special ed."

"You're so dumb," Kenny says, "that you can't even drool down your chin."

"There's a place for people like you, Leni. It's called Auschwitz."

Kenny knocked on her skull. "Hello? Anybody home?" He looks up. "Nope. Empty."

"Hey, Leni, how do you spell 'Leni'?"

"D-U-M-B-A-S-S," Kenny says.

The phone rings and Flagg1991 picks it up. "Talk to me."

"I can kill you. I have written more stories than you have and I will tear your throats out with my teeth. Then I will shove your carcasses into a woodchipper."

"Come on if you think you have the stones. Next caller."

"Have Lana eat all of her animals."

"Ew," Flagg1991 says. "That's gross...I love it. Kenny, go grab all of Lana's animals."

Five minutes later, Kenny returns with an armful of repitiles and other shit. Flagg1991 takes a lizard from Kenny, goes over to Lana, and rips the tape off her mouth. "Hope you're hungry, little girl, 'cause it's dinner time."

"No..." Lana says, shaking her head.

"Yes," Flagg1991 says, nodding.

"I won't."

Flagg1991 backhands the piss out of Rita Loud. Literally. A dark patch forms at her crotch. "Lilly's next."

Lana sighs and opens her mouth. Flagg1991 shoves the lizard's head into her mouth, and she bites down.

"Hey, Kenny," Flagg1991 says. "check it out. She's a regular Ozzy Osbourne."

Kenny squats down and screams in her face. "CRAZY! BUT THAT'S HOW IT GOES!"

"Next up, Lana," Flagg1991 sings, "will eat a toooooad."

He shoves the toad into her mouth, and she chews. "Faster," Flagg1991 says, grabbing her head and chin and mashing them together.

Fifteen minutes later, Lana has eaten all of her animals, and she looks miserable. "You want something to wash it down?" Flagg1991 asks. "Kenny, go grab the kid a juice box. Get one for yourself, too."

Kenny nods. A few seconds later, he returns with two juice boxes and hands one to Flagg1991. Flagg1991 pokes it with the straw, throws the straw aside, and sprays the juice all over Lana's face. "Whoops. Next caller."


	5. Chapter 5

The phone rings. "Y'ello?"

"Uh, are you ok? Cause I don't think you or anyone on this comment section is in the right mind. This sounds like something from a dark web story on Reddit. I have a good feeling this going to end with everyone dead. That wasn't a request by the way you sicko."

Flagg1991 covers the mouthpiece with his hand and looks back. "Hey, Kenny, some sick bastard wants us to waste them all."

Kenny's face crinkles. "Now who the hell wants us to kill people? That person got some issues."

"Right? Caller...get yourself some help. Next."

"1.) That's not me and Brandon-Bot those are two random dudes you killed. We didn't even sent them. You don't even know what we look like. Or what we're capable of. Haven't you even seen the story comments we sent you? Or even Wrathwalker's story comments. 2.) We don't know that purple guy or why he said that stuff. So that means we're still coming. The only reason we're not here is because it takes us a few days to get where you are. And we're somewhere between space and time now. So don't think we're push overs. Even if we did met my sonic screech would've saved me from being choked you know. I'm not even full-human you know. And Brandon-Bot isn't human he's a alien robot from another dimension. So we're still coming. So get ready kids, we're coming for you."

Flagg1991 and Kenny Rogers both burst out laughing. "An alien robot from another dimension!" Flagg1991 cries, slapping his knee.

"It'll take us a few days to get there!" Kenny mocks, his hands on his stomach.

"My sonic screech!"

"Somewhere between space and time!"

"You don't know what we're capable of!" Flagg1991 falls out of his chair and rolls on the floor. "I know what they're _not_ capable of: Getting here quicker than a few days."

"What, are they hitchhiking?"

Flagg1991 laughs so hard he cries. He fights to gain control of himself and answers the phone. "Yeah?"

"Make Lincoln beat up his sisters and parents within an inch of death."

Flagg1991 looks at the fourth wall. "Why are you guys so fucking violent?" He turns around. "Let the boy up, Kenny. I got something for him to do."

Kenny unties Lincoln's hands and rips the tape off his mouth. Lincoln looks scared. "Hey, Linc," Flagg1991 says, "you love your family?"

"Y-Yes."

Flagg1991 pulls out his gun. "Do you want to keep me from popping them in their heads?"

"Yes!"

"Then here's what I want you do to: Smash each one in the nose."

"What?"

"You heard me. Punch each one in the nose."

"I don't want to!"

Flagg1991 shrugs. "Alright." He aims the gun at Luan and cocks it.

"Wait! Okay!"

Sighing, Lincoln gets up. "I'm sorry," he says, and busts Lynn in the face.

"I'm sorry," he says, and plows Luna in the nose.

"I'm so sorry," he weeps, hitting Lisa so hard her glasses break. He punches each member of his family in the face, including Lily. Bloody noses abound.


	6. Chapter 6

The phone rings and Flagg1991 picks it up. "What'cha got for me?"

"Make Luna do drugs and alcohol like a real rockstar."

Flagg1991's eyes light up. "Say, I like that." He turns to Kenny. "Hey, Kenny, you holding?"

Kenny reaches into his pants pocket and beings out a baggie filled with white powder. "Does a bear shit in the woods?" he laughs.

Flagg1991 puts up his hands. "Toss that bad boy over here, we got a command."

Kenny throws Flagg1991 the baggie. Flagg1991 catches it, twists it open, and sticks the tip his thumb inside. He brings the thumb to the tip of his tongue. It goes numb.

"Alright, Luna-loo," Flagg1991 says, getting up. "You wanna play that rock and or roll stuff, right? You wanna boogie down to Funkytown? You know what rock stars like to do, right?" He walks over to Luna, jams his pinky into the bag, and brings it out; it is coated in a white substance. "Tell her what rock stars like to do, Kenny."

Kenny squats down next to Luna's ear. "We like to get _fuuuucked_ up."

Luna's eyes widen and she shakes her head.

"Mick Swagger does it," Flagg1991 says. "I mean...you think he's just been drinking tea all these years?"

"Mick _loves_ his coke," Kenny says. "If you wanna be like him, you gotta snort rails."

Flagg1991 grabs the back of Luna's head with one hand and shoves his pinky into one of her nostrils. "That's right, little sister, take a sniff."

"Inhale," Kenny says.

Luna thrashes back and forth.

"You wanna be cool, don't you?"

"The only rock stars who don't do drugs are Stryper, and they suck."

Luna takes a big sniff, and her pupils instantly dilate. "There we are," Flagg1991 says. "Kenny, hand me that bottle you been sucking on."

Kenny gives Flagg1991 the bottle. Flagg1991 rips the tape off Luna's mouth and makes her drink: Some of it splashes down her chin. "Bottoms up. Bitch."

The phone rings, and Flagg1991 grabs it. "Yep?"

"Flagg and Lincoln fight until one of you pass out if you win you get to bang Ronnie Anne in front of Lincoln and he has to watch all of it and make her beg for more but if Lincoln wins you let him go also since your super powerful Lincoln will have the anger 100 suns cause he don't like it when people try to take his girlfriend."

"Caller," Flagg1991 says, "I'm a 26-year-old man. Ronnie Anne's, like, what, eight? That's called child molestation. I could go to prison for a very long time, and the other guys won't be exactly nice to me, if you catch my drift." He turns to Kenny. "I'll make _him_ do it."

Kenny pales and shakes his hand, holding his hands up. "Not me."

"Come on, Kenny, when's the last time you had your pickle popped?"

"Not long enough that I'm gonna do a kid."

"That does give me an idea, though."

Flagg1991 takes Lincoln's phone and texts Ronnie Anne. "Kenny, drag these bodies into the kitchen."

Kenny does, finishing up just as someone knocks on the door. Flagg1991 looks at his watch. "Well, that was fast." He gets up and goes to the door, opening it. Ronnie Anne starts to talk, but stops, her brow furrowing. "Who are _you?"_

"No one," Flagg1991 says, grabbing her by the front of her hoodie and flinging her inside, slamming the door.

"Hey!"

"Lincoln has something he wants to say to you," Flagg1991 says. "I think he _liiiiiikes_ you."

"He been talking about you all day," Kenny grins. "Talking 'bout your eyes being limpid pools and whatnot."

"Wait. Why are they tied up?"

"Nevermind. Kenny?"

Kenny rips the tape off Lincoln's mouth. "Go ahead, kid, tell her how you feel." Flagg1991 bites his fist to keep from laughing, knowing that Ronnie Anne's gonna knock the little white haired fucker out.

Lincoln sighs. "Ronnie Anne...I like you. When I'm around you, my heart beats fast and I have butterflies in my stomach. I...I want to be your boyfriend."

Ronnie Anne blinks. "Well," she says...

"Here it comes," Flagg1991 says to Kenny, and Kenny nods, laughing.

"I like you too, and I want to be your girlfriend."

Lincoln breaks out in a grin. Kenny looks mortified.

Pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing, Flagg1991 sighs, "No, no, no. You were supposed to punch him in his face."

"I don't wanna punch him. I like him."

"If you like him, punch him in his face because if you don't, I will...with brass knuckles."

Ronnie Anne looks at Flagg1991 and then Lincoln. Sighing, she walks over to her boyfriend. "Sorry."

She pulls back and plows him in the nose. It bursts blood everywhere.

"Damn, girl!" Kenny yells.

"You didn't have to break his fucking nose," Flagg1991 says.

"Sorry," she says sheepishly. "I just...went on instinct."

"Whatever. Now get lost."

Ronnie Anne starts to leave, but turns back. "Have any of you seen Bobby?"

Biting his lips to keep from laughing, Kenny shakes his head.

"He came by but left," Flagg1991 says, "said something about having a headache."

Kenny screams maniacal laughter, and Ronnie Anne looks at him strangely. "Oooookay."

"Dumb kid," Flagg1991 says after she leaves.

"She ain't gon' find her brother," Kenny says.

The phone rings. "Yeah?"

"Here are some ideas: Have batman beat up Lucy

Have Lincoln shoot Kenny with an AK-47 but for every bullet that hurts Kenny Lincoln gets hit in the narts with a bag of nickels, why nickels? From that one episode of Family guy. (P.S if you just choose to hit Lincoln with the bag of nickels without the AK there is chance you may be hunted down by an immortal, world hopping, psychotic, homicidal, all powerful, 4th-wall breaking Snake Demon)

Play tennis with Kenny Rogers but Lola is the ball

Have Lincoln get hit with every single final smash from super smash brothers for the Wii U

and the most twisted one of all force Lincoln to watch Lori beat Clyde and his family to death with a golf club."

"What the fuck is it with you people and your world-hopping superheroes and demons and shit? First I got this hero strike force team guy calling me, now this. This gives me an idea, though."

Flagg1991 gets up, goes over to the couch, and grabs Lola, picking her up. "Hey, Kenny, remember when your old man you take you out in the backyard and play catch with you?"

"Nope, my daddy took off when I was three."

"Well...how about I be your daddy and play catch with you?" He throws Lola to Kenny, and he catches her.

"Alright."

He throws Lola back, Flagg1991 throws her back to him.

"Say, this is kinda fun."

Kenny throws her back, and Flagg1991 spikes her head like a volleyball: She falls to the ground and passes out.

"You got any loose change?" Flagg1991 asks.

"I think so," Kenny says, reaching into his pocket. He pulls out a handful of quarters, nickels, dimes, and pennies. "Bus fare," he says.

"Take off your sock."

Kenny does, and puts the change into it. Flagg1991 takes it, walks over to Lincoln, and looks down at him. "Hey," he says, looking at Luan, "watch me _sock_ your brother." He pulls back and lets fly. The sock hits Lincoln on the top of the head, exploding: Coins fly everywhere, hitting the Louds in the face and head.

Kenny screams laughter. "Good one!"

Flagg1991 picks up the phone. "What's good?"

"Have Lynn eat her dirty jock strap whole, every fiber. Then kick her gut till she pukes."

Flagg1991 nods. "That's a good idea." He disappears upstairs and returns moments later with a dirty jockstrap. He's holding it between his thumb and index finger. "Hey, Kenny, catch." He throws it to Kenny, who catches it, but drops it in disgust.

"Uh, it stinks. What is it?"

"It's a jockstrap. You'd know that if your fat ass played a sport every once in a while."

Flagg1991 rips the tape off of Lynn's mouth and smiles. "You hungry?"

"N-No."

"Too bad." He takes the jock from Kenny and shoves it into her mouth. She chews. It takes a long, long, long time, and much gagging and choking, before she is done.


	7. Chapter 7

The phone rings. Flagg1991 picks it up. "Welcome to Torture the Louds, how may I titillate your inner sadist?"

"Please... stop. This isn't funny. It's disgusting. And you and Kenny are less likable then Scrappy Doo, Adric, and Jar Jar Binks combined."

Flagg hangs up the phone and clutches his heart. "Caller...that was _totes_ mean. Look, Kenny and I aren't supposed to be likeable. We're villains. I'm torturing a family over my being mildly inconvenienced and Kenny is here because he likes to see people suffer."

Kenny nods. "It's true."

"If you _like_ us, you're fucked in your head. As for Scrappy...I like Scrappy. And Jar Jar...man, I respect that guy because he turned the most highly anticipated movie of...what, 2000?...into a joke. Star Wars fans were all bothered and hot, and they got Jar Jar Binks. Lol. That other name you mentioned...I don't know who that is because I'm not a total fucking geek. Next."

"Have Lisa Eat Ravenous Carnivorous Cockroaches Alive without Chewing so they can Devour her Entrails if She Throws up even Once She Explodes into a bloody Mess."

Flagg1991 sighs. "Man, you and your fucking cockroaches. Okay." Flagg1991 glances over his shoulder. "Hey, Kenny...grab those carnivorous cockroaches I have randomly chilling in the fridge."

Kenny nods and goes into the kitchen. Flagg1991 looks back at the fourth wall and shakes his head, a devilish grin on his face. "They're not in the fridge."

A minute later, Kenny pokes his head into the living room. "I don't see them."

"Look harder."

A minute after that. "They aren't here."

Flagg1991 turns. "You better find those cockroaches or I'm kicking your ass."

Kenny sighs. "Fine!"

Flagg1991 turns back to the fourth wall, stifling a laugh. "This guy's a fucking moron."

Five minutes later, Kenny comes into the living room. "They're not there, Flagg. I _swear_." He looks terrified of Flagg1991 whipping his ass.

"You fat fucking piece of- oh wait, here they are." Flagg1991 holds up a plastic tank full of hungry roaches. He stands, walks over to Lisa, and kneels down. He rips the tape off her mouth, and she winces in pain.

"I imagine I won't survive the challenge at hand," she says.

"No," Flagg1991 says, "you probably won't. But hey, someone had to be the first to die. Those superheroes don't count because they were scum and deserved it, and Bobby doesn't have any Loud in him."

Kenny snickers. "Bet he was _in_ a Loud, though."

Flagg1991 points at him. "Probably." He turns to Lori. "Did you have sex with Bobby?"

She shakes her head.

"Come on, now," Flagg1991 says, "tell the truth."

Shamefaced, she nods.

"How does that make you feel, Mr. Loud, to know that that prick Bobby was railing your daughter? Makes you jealous, huh, you fucking pervert?"

Mr. Loud shakes his head.

"Alright, back on track." Flagg1991 takes one of the roaches out and shoves it into Lisa's mouth. She crushes it between her teeth.

"Hey, asshole," Flagg1991 says, grabbing her chin. "He said no chewing."

Flagg1991 shoves another in, and she swallows it. Flagg1991 slips another in. "Little girls need their nutrition," he says. He goes to give her a third, but she cries out in agony and doubles over. Her family starts to yell and thrash around and shit, like they can actually do anything. Lisa throws her head back, and pukes a stream of hot blood into Flagg1991's face. He falls back on his ass and screams. "Gross!"

Lisa pales and falls over. Dead.

"You fucking bitch," Flagg1991 says, and kicks her body. He sees Kenny snickering behind his hand. "The fuck are _you_ laughing at, has been?"

Flagg1991 goes into a rage then. He flips the coffee table and kicks a hole in the wall. "You remember that guy who wanted me to beat Lincoln up and fuck Ronnie Anne? I'm feeling it now. Not the Ronnie Anne part, the Lincoln part. Let him go, Kenny, I'm gonna fuck him up."

Kenny starts to undo Lincoln's hands, but Lynn head-butts his arm.

" _You_ wanna go?" Flagg1991 asks. Lynn glares at him, nodding. "Oh, okay. Kenny, let this bitch up."

Kenny undoes Lynn's hands, and she jumps up.

"Come on," Flagg1991 says, gesturing, "little girl."

Screaming, Lynn throws herself at him, tackling him and knocking him to the floor. She pulls back and punches him in the face: His nose shatters and he screams.

"You killed my sister!" Lynn roars, punching him again.

"Ahhhhh! Kenny, help me!"

Kenny pulls out his baton, rushes over, and raises it. Lynn socks him in the balls. He lets out a breathless cry, but brings the baton down anyway, cracking her across the head with it. She goes limp and falls over. Kenny drops to his knees, cradling his wounded testicles. Flagg1991 lays where he is, panting, blood gushing from his nose.

"Fuck these people!" Flagg1991 screams. He gets to his feet and whips out his gun. "I oughta fucking blast all of you!"

He sighs. "But if I did that, I'd slip in the ratings, and I won't give you asswipes the satisfaction. He puts the gun back into his coat. The phone rings and he picks it up. "Hello?"

"Force feed Luan 5 chocolate cakes."

"Yeah, okay, you want me to give her a fucking foot rub and draw her a hot bath while I'm at it? I'm trying to make them suffer, not fucking pamper them. However..."

He goes into the kitchen and returns with a box of cupcakes. "...I have an idea." He goes over to Luan, rips the tape off, and leans in. "You hungry, Luan? You want something to eat?"

"Fuck you."

Flagg1991 slaps the piss out of her. "Here! Have a fucking cupcake!" He opens the box, takes out one individually wrapped cupcake, and slams it against her mouth as hard as he can. Her head jerks back. "Have another!" He does it again. "Full yet?" He smashes another into her face, and then one last one. She's crying and bleeding from her mouth now. Flagg1991 turns to Kenny, who's on his side, holding his nuts, rocking back and forth. "Get up, you fucking crybaby." He throws a cupcake at him. It hits his stomach and bounces off.

Lynn groans and starts to move.

"You can have one too," Flagg1991 says, squatting over her and slamming one against the back of her head. She loses consciousness again.

"Next caller, and it _better_ be good."


	8. Chapter 8

"Make Luna listen to Lil' Wayne's guitar playing, Warrant's "Greatest" Hits, Ozzy Osbourne's Drunken Ranting, Justin Bieber and after all this... I dunno shoot her non-fatally."

Flagg1991 winces. "Damn, caller, you're a sadistic son of a bitch." He turns to Kenny Rogers, who's leaning against the back of the couch and still trying to get over being hit in the nuts. "You got your phone on you, Kenny?"

Kenny nods. "Yeah...why...?"

"Put in some headphones and make that bitch in the purple listen to Lil' Wayne play guitar."

The blood drains from Kenny's face. "Hey, look," he says, holding up his hands, "I'm not trying to break the Geneva Convention. It has a clause against human rights abuses."

Flagg1991 whips out his gun and points it at Kenny. "Fucking do it or I'm going to blow your teeth out the back of your head."

"Fine." Kenny takes out his phone, plugs some earphones into it, and then puts them around Luna's head. Still high on coke, Luna's eyes are as big as saucers. She looks around the room, her head darting so fast it makes Flagg1991 dizzy. As soon as Kenny hits PLAY, her face shrinks up like she just gave a blow job to a lemon.

"Rock on, bitch," Flagg1991 says, and picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Have Lincoln play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."

Flagg1991's eyes narrow. "Is that you, Nerd? You're a sick bastard, you know that?" He hangs up the phone and pulls a game cartridge out of his jacket. "It just so happens I carry a copy of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde around with me at all times in case I ever want to commit suicide."

Flagg1991 pulls a Nintendo out of his pants pocket and plugs it into the TV, looking over his shoulder. "You're in for it now, Lincoln Loud. You're gonna wish your white hair having ass was never born."

When the game is hooked up, he takes the controller to Lincoln and shoves it into his hands. Luna is foaming at the mouth, a disgusting mixture of drool and vomit staining the front of her shirt. Flagg1991 bends over and listens: Justin Bieber is playing, and he grimaces. "I almost feel kind of bad for this. But not as bad as I'm about to feel for making this little punk ass bitch play this game."

Flagg1991 turns the TV on. The screen is filled with shitty graphics and the speakers release shitty 8-bit music.

"Scoot over, metal-mouth," Flagg1991 says to Luan and sits next to her. He reads the back of Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde's box: "Dr. Jekyll is on his way to his wedding with the lovely Miss Millicent. As he walks to the church with his cane in hand, several townspeople, animals, and other obstacles accost him, causing him to become angry. If his anger reaches a certain level, he transforms into Mr. Hyde and is taken to a nightmarish world of monsters. As Mr. Hyde kills these monsters, his anger abates and eventually he transforms back into Dr. Jekyll. The game's ending depends on which character, Jekyll or Hyde, reaches the church first. Sounds like ass, doesn't it? Wait until you get a load of those controls, you little butt-knocker."

Luna falls face-first off the couch, landing in a spasming heap on the floor. Everyone starts trying to yell and shit.

"Another one bites the dust," Flagg1991 says as Dr. Jeykll dies again and again on screen. It's a bad game, yeah, but it's also boring. Flagg1991 takes another call, "Y'ello?"

"Just an idea I thought of but, what if you held Lola's head in a vat of mud until she (almost) drowns! The of course have her lick off any of the mud that got on her while she's at it! I feel that would be very fitting! P.S. Tell Kenny that he's my favorite anime super villain right next to Robbie Rotten and Dr. Phil!"

Flagg1991 glances over his shoulder. "I didn't know you did anime."

Kenny shrugs. "I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of."

"Yeah, me too." He gets up, goes behind the sofa, and emerges with a vat full of mud. "But I have the feeling I'm going to be _very_ proud of this."

He sets I down, snatches Lola from the couch, and rips the duct tape off her mouth.

"Please, no! I'm too beautiful to be covered in mud!"

"Pretend it's the spa," Flagg1991 says, and dunks her head first. He kneels and holds her head under as her feet kick. As her resistence grows weaker, he pulls her out and throws her back onto the couch. He then whips a big wooden spoon out, dips it in the vat, and takes it to Lola, his hand cupped underneath the spoon to prevent losing any.

"Open up, pretty princess"

Lola closes her mouth tight, so Flagg1991 punches her in the stomach. When her mouth opens, he shoves the spoon in, and she swallows. "How's that taste? Is it good? You want more?"

The phone rings.

Flagg1991 drops the spoon and picks up the handset. "Yeah?"

"Flagg... you and Kenny each take one twin and on the count of 3 you start knocking their teeth out and whoever knocks all the teeth out of your twin first wins a week to Bahamas with any supermodel of your choosing."

Flagg1991 touches his chin with his index finger. "I _like_ that."

He grabs Lola and tosses her to Kenny, then grabs Lana by her feet. She dangles upside down. "You heard the rules, right, Kenny?"

"I sure did," Kenny grins.

"Alright. 1...2...3...go!"

Flagg1991whips Lana around and slams her face aginast the floor while Kenny punches Lola in the mouth repeatedly. Flagg1991 stomps on the back of Lana's head and grinds his foot into her like she's a couch and he's Rick James. He picks her up and looks into her mouth. There is one tooth left...waaaaay in the back. He reaches in.

"Done!" Kenny shouts, spiking Lola like a football.

"Really?"

Flagg1991 picks Lola up and inspects her mouth. "Well, I'll be damned. Good job, Kenny. Which supermodel you taking to the Bahamas with you?"

Kenny shrugs. "I dunno. Does it matter?"

"Not really," Flagg1991 admits, "they're all rail thin anyway. Like fucking Skeletor's skinny little sister."

He glances at Lincoln, whose eyes are bleeding from playing that dumb ass game.

"Next caller."


	9. Chapter 9

The phone rings, and Flagg1991 picks it up. "You may speak."

"Thank you for killing Bobby, Now that means I have a shot at both Lori and Bobby's cousin, Carlota."

"Yeah?" Flagg1991 turns, takes out his gun, and shoots Lori in the head, the back of her skull spraying out in a fine mist of blood and splattering Kenny's shirt. She flops back, then forward, falling off the couch and thudding against the floor. All the surviving Louds start screaming against the duct tape coving their mouths, tears in their eyes. "I don't know who the fuck Carlota is, but if I see her I'm going to shoot her too," Flagg1991 says as she slips the gun back into his coat.

The phone rings again and he snatches it up. "Yeah?"

"Since Lucy's gotten the least torture paddle her ass like in Dazed and Confused."

Flagg1991 grins. "Oh, I _love_ that movie." He gets up and takes a paddle with SOUL POLICE written on it. "And it just so happens that I have the actual paddle they used. Funny, huh?"

He goes over to the couch, smacking his hand with the paddle's business end. Lucy watches him stoically. He leaned in and smiles. "You're gonna be hurting when I'm done."

He snatches her up by her hair, spins her around, and bends her over the couch. He looks at her backside. "What is this thing, a dress? A shirt?"

"I think the black part's a dress and the striped thing's leggings," Kenny says. Flagg1991 yanks up the hem of the dress and then pulls down the leggings, baring Lucy's butt. "Ironically, it's not as pale as her face," he laughs. He brings the paddle up. "Hey, Kenny, how about some driving music?"

Kenny nods, balls his fist, and holds it in front of his mouth like a microphone. "No more Mister Nice Guy," he sings, and Flagg1991 brings the paddle down, hitting Lucy's butt with a loud _slap!_ "Ow," she says in an emotionless monotone. Flagg1991 brings the paddle back and down again. "Ow."

He brings it up one more time, then freezes as he catches sight of her butt, which has turned an angry red color. He blinks, looks at the paddle, then drops it, the fight seeming to drain from him. He pulls up Lucy's leggings and shoves her onto the couch. He pushes Luan away by the face and sits with a heavy sigh.

"Hey, Kenny," he says dully, "why don't...why don't you head home?"

Kenny blinks. "You sure?"

"Yeah," Flagg1991 sighs, "I'm going to wrap up here and head out myself in a few."

"Alright," Kenny says and pats Flagg1991 on the shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, sure."

When Kenny is gone, Flagg1991 takes out a cigarette and lights it, inhaling deeply. Everyone watches him with wide, terrified eyes. "You know," he says, bluish smoke rolling from his mouth, "you guys might be too young to realize this, but there comes a time when you find yourself paddling the bare ass of an eight-year-old girl and you say 'Damn, Flagg, you've gone off the deep end.'"

He laughs and takes another drag.

"And I've been in my ear all day. 'Do something to one of them, Flagg, touch one of them, put your dick in one of them, make this one fuck that one and kill his girlfriend and make this one fuck a horse.' And I'm like, 'No, Flagg, that's not my idea of a good time, I like it when she wants it, not when I have to take it. That's like walking up to a zoo animal and pulling the trigger. Oh, gee, I sure had _fun_. Wasn't that fun?' But it wasn't fun and nothing is ever fun. But then they say, 'Flagg, it's a logical progression, step-by-step, and if you miss that first crucial phase, you'll always be hollow inside until you go all the way back to square one and get it. Teenagers fuck teenagers, men fuck women, old men bang old ladies.' I said 'Who's fucking who when you're six and your dick doesn't even work yet?' 'That's the emotional phase.' 'Ah. Okay.'"

Flagg1991 shakes his head and takes a drag of his cigarette. Everyone is looking at him like he's crazy, which he just might be.

"'Fuck that teenage girl, Flagg.' 'No, Flagg, that ship has sailed, my friend, even if we need to go back to square one. I guess I'll just be...oh, wait a minute, I see what you're doing. That grass is greener bullshit. Flagg, write a book, you'll be happy, Flagg, torture those people, you'll be happy, Flagg, fuck that teenage girl and you'll be happy.' Guess what? That's a fucking lie. It's all a fucking lie. _Everything_. I'm not happy. _This_ doesn't make me happy, it just distracts me from the gnawing pit of black despair in my soul."

"Gnawing pit of black despair," Lucy says. "Nice. Can I use that?"

"Sure. Go ahead." He turns to Luan and leers. "But there _is_ one thing that'll make me happy, one thing that'll _really_ make me happy." He strokes her cheek. "You know what that is, braceface?"

She shakes her head, her eyes wide with fear.

"It'll make you guys happy too." He pulls out his gun, and everyone flinches. "One little thing. You could call it a lead based antidepressant."

With a flourish, Flagg1991 sticks the barrel of the gun into his mouth and pulls the trigger: The top of his head explodes in a shower of skill fragments and brain matter, and everyone screams.

The end.

P.S. Max Hero didn't save the day, Flagg1991 did. Suck on _that_.


	10. Flagg Comes Back

Under the light of a full, gibbous moon, a dark figure steals into the Loud family's backyard, crouching and moving quickly so it won't be seen. It stops at a worn wooden cross and begins to dig. In fifteen minutes, it pulls a coffin out of the ground and opens it. Inside is Flagg1991, his hands folded on his chest. His flesh is gray and mottled and his lips are blue. He is slightly swollen from the build-up of post-mortem gases.

The figure performs some bullshit voodoo magic ritual, and Flagg's eyes open: They are sickly yellow. He sits up and a hand flutters to his forehead. He lets out a moan and looks up at the figure. "Who the fuck are you?"

"It's me," the figure says, and leans forward. A moonbeam falls across its face, revealing it to be Kenny Rogers.

"Oh, shit, whaddup, Kenny?" He looks around. "What happened?"

"You shot yourself."

Flagg's brow furrows. A maggot falls from the gaping exit wound at the top of his skull. "Oh, right," he says, remembering. He plucks the maggot off of his shirt with his thumb and forefinger and plops it into his mouth. "Where are we? The cemetery?"

"No," Kenny says. "That Max Hero guy buried you in the backyard."

Flagg nods. "Typical. He waited until I was dead before showing up because he knew I'd kick his ass."

"He brought everyone we killed back to life too."

"Of course he did. He really buried me in their backyard?" Flagg looks around again, his eyes falling on the Loud house. "Kind of fucked up, isn't it? Every time they want to go outside and play or cut the grass, here's my grave, a constant reminder of the guy who tortured and murdered them." Flagg laughs richly and claps his hands. "I'm beginning to think Max Hero is more evil than _I_ am."

"You wanna go finish what we started?" Kenny asks, nodding toward the house.

"Damn straight I do," Flagg says, getting up. "My soul's, like, infused with a demon or some shit, so I'm _extra_ evil now." A satanic grin spreads across his face. "I really _am_ going to put my dick in one of them now. Hell, _all_ of them. Including the father. After all, there's no better way to emasculate a man than to put your dick in his ass...and kiss his neck while you do it."

Flagg and Kenny walk up to the patio door. Flagg knocks. "How long have I been dead?" he asks.

"Eight weeks."

"Damn." He laughs. "I bet these assholes were just starting to get over what we did to them."

The door opens, and Luna Loud appears. She looks up at Flagg, and her eyes widen.

"Surprise!" Flagg says, grabbing her face in his hand and walking her back into the kitchen. "Kenny, go round up the others." Kenny nods and goes into the living room.

"Never thought you'd see me again, did you?" Flagg asks as he pushes Luna against the fridge. He takes his hand away from her face and leans in, shoving his dead, rotting tongue into her mouth. She kicks him in the shin but he doesn't feel it because he's, like, a zombie or something now. He wraps his hand around her throat and licks her lips and the side of her face. He spins her around and buries his nose in her hair. "Your hair smells good...how does _my_ hair smell?" He bows his head to reveal a maggot-infested hole, jagged skull splinters sticking out. Luna's mouth fills with bile and she chokes it back.

"Come on, honey," Flagg says, wrapping his arm around her neck and pressing his crotch against her butt, "let's go have some fun."

In the living room, the Louds are on the couch, looking scared: Kenny stands over them with a gun. He looks up when Flagg enters, and everyone else does too; some of them scream, others look shocked.

Flagg shoves Luna to the ground and throws out his arms. "Helllllooooo, baaaaaby!" He bends over the arm of the couch and grabs Luan by her hair, yanking her head back and shoving his face into hers. "This is the Big Bopper speakin'! Do I what? Will I what?"

He slaps her and pushes her away. "Oh, man, it feels so _good_ to be back." He puts his hands on his hips and scans the frightened faces in front of him. "I missed you guys. I really, honestly did. You know, while I was rotting in your backyard, I realized something: I had a fucking _blast_ in here. Maybe it just took that bullet lobotomizing me to get it, but torturing you guys really got me off. Metaphorically speaking, of course. This time around...there ain't no metaphor about it." He walks over to Leni and kneels, putting his cold, dead hand on her bare leg. He leans in, flashing a crazy smile. "I'm gonna get off _for real_ this time." He stands up and looks around. "But with whom?" He puts his finger to his chin. He looks at Luan. "You?" He smiles. "You know, Kenny, with me being dead eight weeks...my dick skin will probably come off inside of her."

Luan's eyes widen.

"Give her necrosis or something." He grabs her chees in his hands and squeezes her lips together. "How's that for an STD, you little bitch?" He lets her go. "I know. While I wait, let's take some calls." He turns to the fourth wall. "Welcome to the new and improved Torture the Louds, ten times darker, ten times more undead. Call in now. Tell me how to hurt these pieces of shit...and how I should _love_ them, if you catch me. 1-800-TORTLOUD. And Max Hero?"

Flagg holds up his middle finger.


	11. X-Rated - Seriously, Don't Read This

Flagg stares at his hands, his yellow demon eyes narrowed. "Hey, Kenny," he says, "come look at this shit."

Kenny comes over and looks at Flagg's hands. "I got bone and shit showing through," Flagg says. "Man, I am _nasty_." He laughs. "The worst part is this fucking itching in my head."

As the Loud family watches in horror, he reaches into the hole in his head and pulls out a hunk of brain. He holds it up and inspects it. "Hmmm. I think this is where I store my childhood memories. My childhood sucked." He gets up and walks over to the couch, looking from one Loud to another before finally settling on Lynn. "You know what a growing athlete such as yourself needs?"

She looks up at him with hate-filled eyes.

"I asked you a question, bitch. Do you know what a growing athlete such as yourself needs?"

"What?" she asks tightly.

Flagg kneels and smiles. "Protein." He shoves the brain into her face, and she jumps back, failing her arms. "Ummmm. Gray matter. The _other_ white meat." He shoves it at her again, and she smacks it away: It flies out of Flagg's hands and goes down the front of Luan's shirt. She screams and jumps up. Flagg grabs her around the waist and pulls her into his lap. "Let me help you with that." He shoves his hand down the front of her shirt, his frozen fingertips crawling along her skin. She shivers. "Hmmmm. Now where could it be?"

He finds it and pulls it out. "Here it is." He puts his arm around Luan's neck and brings her closer. "You know what's sexy? When couples feed each other." He jams the brain against her lips. She closes them tight and thrashes against him. "No, no, no...you need to eat this, sweetie. It's _brain food!"_ He laughs and pushes the brain into her mouth. He puts one hand on top of her head and the other under her chin: He makes her chew. "Atta girl," he says. "How do I taste?"

She swallows, then gasps. "Awful!"

Flagg laughs. "Hey, Kenny..."

Before he can finish his thought, the phone rings and his eyes light up. "Oooo, our first caller."

He picks up the phone. "You're on the new and improved Torture the Louds."

"Hi. I'm Wade W. Wilson. Also known as Deadpool. Also known as the Merc With a Mouth, the Regenerating Degenerate, Chiyonosake, Jack, Spider-Man-Fan #1, and many other colorful nicknames. I'm an on again off again hero created by Marvel comics. My movie is the second highest grossing R-rated movie of all time, right behind passion of the Christ. Maybe you've heard of me..."

"Aw, Jesus," Flagg says, rolling his eyes, "another nutcase." He hangs up. "What is it with all these assholes calling me and fucking cosplaying? Why does this show attract the weridos? Is it something I'm doing, Kenny?"

"You're the most normal person I know," Kenny says.

"Thank you." Flagg sighs. "Next caller."

"Jeez, came back just to spite an autistic kid? Don't you think you should cut him a little slack? I mean he has autism, of course he's gonna acting differently. Well whatever, I know you won't."

"I didn't come back to spite an autistic kid, I came back to fuck your mother. Next caller."

"Hello there you two. Little birdy says that one of you fuckers were raised from the dead. Go ahead and read my mind, you already know what I want to see happen. Do make it quirky!"

Flagg hangs up the phone and closes his eyes, his fingertips pressed to his forehead. "Let's see...let's see...I see...a big ass wrench...and a pair of testicles. I think this guy wants me to hit someone in the testicles with a big ass wrench."

Flagg stands up and whips a big ass wrench out of his coat. "Luckily, I carry one of these bad boys wherever I go."

He turns and walks over to the couch. The Louds watch him with wide, frightened eyes. "Hm. Only two sets of testicles here." He touches the wrench to Lincoln's head. "Eeny." He touches it to Lynn Sr.'s head. "Meeny." Lincoln's head. "Miney."

"Mo!" Flagg brings the wrench down on Lynn Sr.'s balls; Lynn throws his head back and lets out a blood-curdling scream, his hands flying to his nuts. Flagg steps back and puts his hands on his hips. Lynn Sr.'s face is red. He rolls back and forth in excruciating pain. "Holy shit," Flagg says as blood begins gushing through Lynn Sr.'s fingers. Everyone starts screaming.

Flagg goes over and yanks Lynn Sr.'s hands away from his lap: The crotch of his pants is soaked with blood. Rita swoons and passes out.

"Damn, Flagg," Kenny says.

"I didn't mean to pop his sack like that," Flagg says. He taps Lynn Sr. on the cheek. "You okay, buddy?"

"No! It hurts so bad!"

"Well, on the bright side...no more kids."

The phone rings, and Flagg goes over to it. "Hello?"

"Do Luna and Luan then make then do each other."

Flagg looks over his shoulder. "I don't know." He looks at Kenny. "Should I really do this?"

"Sure. You're undead. That gives you a blank check to do whatever you want."

Flagg nods. "You're right."

He gets up and goes over to the couch with a wicked smile. "Alright, who wants this dick first?" Before either Luna or Luan can speak, he snatches Luna up and spins her around. "Lucky Luna! Bend over and take what you got coming!" He looks down at Luan. "I mean... _cumming."_

Luna sighs and bends over, lifting her shirt up. "Just make it fast, dude. I don't want that nasty corpse penis inside me any longer than it has to be."

"Shut the fuck up." Flagg yanks her underwear down, then his. His dick is really gross looking. He thrusts into Luna and grabs her hips. "Hey, Max Hero, look what I'm doing! You gonna stop me?" He pumps faster. Everyone is looking away and crying. "Huh? You gonna swoop in and save the day or are you just going to let this happen?"

Max Hero did _not_ save the day.

"There's my answer!" He pushes Luna away and mounts Luan, placing a knee on either side of her legs, she turns away, but he grabs her by the chin and shoves his tongue into her mouth. She pounds his chest with her fists, but Flagg isn't fazed. He breaks the kiss and spits onto the floor. "You taste _funny_."

He grabs her throat with one hand, then, with the other, he reaches under her skirt and yanks down her panties. He looks down at his dick. "Yup, Lost some skin in your sister. Oh well, Plenty left for you."

He slams into her while squeezing her throat. "Oh, God!" he cries exaggeratedly. "It's so fucking good! Yes! Yes! Oh! My word! Ah! Yes! Oh! God! God! Oh, Christ! Oh, Christ!" He thrusts deeper and harder. "O'Chirst! O'Christ! O'Christ! Ah! Oh! Eee! Ooo! Ting tang walla walla bing bang!" He busts his nut in Luan. Her face is blue and her eyes have rolled back into her head.

He lets go of her throat and stands up. Luan lies limp against the arm of the couch. Luna is lying with her head in Leni's lap, her eyes blank and her face the color of milk. "Now _that_ was fun," Flagg says, putting his hands on his hips. He looks down at his dick. "Except for all the skin that's coming off. That's kind of gross. You two still need to do each other but I'm gonna hold off since Luan's dead and Luna's in shock."

He goes over to Luan and checks her pulse. "She's alive," he says, holding up a hand. "It's okay."

"That was really hot, Flagg," Kenny says. There's a tent in his pants.

"You want some?" Flagg asks, gesturing to Luan.

Kenny thinks it over for a minute.

"When's the last time you had your pickle popped, Kenny?"

"Hmmm...that time me and Reba McEntire got drunk on wine coolers...1998?"

"Damn, that's a long time."

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?"

"Take her for a spin, Ken."

Kenny smiles. "Why the hell not?" He goes over to the couch, flops Luan against the arm so that the upper half of her body is hanging over the side, her ponytail touching the floor, and spreads her legs. He unzips his pants.

"While Kenny molests this fourteen-year-old girl, let's take another call, shall we?"

The phone rings, and Flagg picks it up. "You're talking to a dead man, shoot."

"Tie Lincoln up in a chair and make his mother, Lori, and Leni give him a blow/hand job. And they all have to make Lincoln nut on each of their turns. They can also use their "fun bags" to make it quicker."

"I like that," Flagg says. He walks over to the couch and grabs Rita by the front of her shirt. "Come on, mom, you're gonna suck Lincoln's dick."

He shoves her to her knees in front of Lincoln, whose eyes are wide. "N-No, I –"

"Shut the fuck up," Flagg says. "What kind of man says no to a blowjob?"

"She's my mom!"

"A mouth's a mouth, Lincy-poo. Now unzip your goddamn pants or I'm gonna kick Lilly into traffic."

Lincoln unzips his pants with trembling fingers and takes his dick out. Flagg grabs a handful of Rita's hair. "Suck it." He shoves her head down, and she takes Lincoln in her mouth. Lincoln looks extremely uncomfortable as his mother's head begins to bob up and down. On the other end of the couch, Kenny is going to town on Luan, panting and sweating. "Be careful, Kenny," Flagg says, "you don't wanna have a heart attack."

Rita increases her speed, and Lincoln throws his head back against the couch. His eyelids flutter and he sighs. "You're enjoying this, aren't you, you little pervert?" Flagg asks. "Your own fucking mother. You're a piece of shit. A white-haired, buck-tooth scumbag."

Lincoln grabs a handful of the couch as his body goes rigid. Rita lifts her head and goes to spit her son's cum onto the floor, but Flagg slaps her across the face. "Drink it."

She swallows, her throat working furiously. When she's done, she pants and gasps for breath.

"Lori...jack Lincoln off."

Lori doesn't move.

"Jack him off."

With a sigh, she grabs her brother's still hard penis and starts giving him a half-hearted handie. "How does your brother's dick feel?" Flagg asks, leaning in until his face is mere inches from hers.

She looks away and continues jacking Lincoln off. Lincoln wiggles and pants. "You're a sick little boy," Flagg says. "A real weirdo."

Lincoln apparently likes being talked dirty to, because he shoots his load, splattering Lori's hand, the couch, and his own stomach.

"Leni...lick it up."

Leni sighs, bends over her brother, and laps up his cum with her tongue. When she reaches his dick, she puts her mouth around it and starts bobbing her head. "Just like mommy showed you," Flagg nods. Leni bobs her head up and down. She's not going fast enough for Lincoln's liking: He puts his hand on her head and pushes it down.

"You know what, Leni? You're lousy at this." Flagg grabs a handful of her hair and flings her aside. He drops to his knees in front of Lincoln.

"What are you doing?!" Lincoln cries.

"I'm gonna suck your dick." With that, he wraps his lips around Lincoln's package and starts pumping. Everyone looks at him like he's crazy, even Kenny, who's just finished with Luan. Lincoln screams in horror. "Get him off! Get him off!"

Flagg's head is bobbing up and down so fast it's like a blur. Though he looks like he's about to go insane with revulsion, Lincoln cums, filling Flagg's mouth. Flagg stands up, his cheeks puffed out, and spits Lincoln's load at Lynn. It splatters her in the face, some of it getting on Kenny, who jumps up. Flagg laughs and laughs and laughs. "Next caller," he says, wiping his mouth.


	12. Max Hero Gets A Third Person Killed

Flagg takes a swig of milk straight out of the carton and spits it onto the living room floor. "You need to cut back on the salty foods, kid," he says to Lincoln. "You're gonna wind up with hypertension or something."

He drops the milk carton onto the floor and sits in his armchair with a contented sigh. The phone rings and he picks it up. "F91 here, what's the haps?"

".. go and take a vacation."

"A vacation?" Flagg glances thoughtfully at the ceiling. "Actually, that sounds kinda nice." He hangs the phone up and stands. "You got this for a while, Kenny? I'm gonna go on holiday."

"Take your time," Kenny says. He's sitting on the couch next to Luan, who is upright but still unconscious. He runs a strand of her hair through his fingers and smells it.

Flagg nods. "Alright. I'll catch you cats on the flip side. Heil."

A montage set to the song "Vacation" by the Go-Gos follows: Flagg riding a roller coaster, his hands thrown carelessly into the air and his mouth open; Flagg on the top of a red double-decker bus, touring London; Flagg reclining on a tropical beach in sunglasses and a pair of swim trunks, sipping from a coconut half; Flagg touring Auschwitz with a giant boner in his pants; Flagg strangling a Thai prostitute with her own underwear; Flagg meeting the pope. Two weeks later, he comes through the door in a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat. He is carrying two suitcases with stickers all over them. A lai is around his neck. "What it do, Louds?" he cries, throwing his suitcases aside. "Did Kenny take good care of you while I was gone?"

Luan is sitting sullenly on the couch, her arms crossed and her gaze downcast. Luna sighs, annoyed. Lynn shots daggers at him. Lincoln shivers. Everyone else does something too. Flagg doesn't pay attention because fuck them.

"You know," Flagg says, shutting the door and coming into the living room, "I feel good. Really good. That vacation was _just_ what I needed." He walks over to the couch and looks down at Lisa. "I'm in _such_ a good mood." He hits her with a devastating haymaker; her head jerks to the side and her glasses fly off. "A _very_ good mood." He slaps his right elbow and drops it onto Lana's head.

Kenny comes in from the kitchen and smiles. "You're back! I was just making some pizza rolls. You want one?"

Flagg crinkles his nose. "I hate those things. I'd much rather..."

The phone rings.

Flagg looks at the fourth wall. "...take a call."

He drops into his chair and picks up the handset. "You know what this is."

"You wanna know why I'm angry with you?"

"Not fucking really."

"Two reasons. One, you decided to flip off someone. I feel like that was uncalled for..."

"You mean Max Hero? Hey, newsflash, asshole: Max Hero isn't real. Neither is Lincoln fucking Loud, neither am I for that matter. I am an exaggerated caricature of the guy writing this story. Not even that, really, because he doesn't have the balls to do what I do. None of this is real. Hey, you know Kenny Rogers? He's real...but the Kenny Rogers _I'm_ hanging with is the Kenny Rogers from those old MadTV skits. He's a parody of a real guy. It's all fake. All of it. Watch this."

Flagg gets up, walks over to Lincoln, and punches him in the chest so hard his hand sinks into Lincoln's body. Lincoln screams and thrashes as Flagg rips his still beating heart out. He takes a bite, blood spurting out of it. Everyone starts to scream and cry. "Now," Flagg says, going back to his chair and sitting down, "look."

Lincoln's all better. He gasps and runs his hands over his chest. "I-I'm okay!"

"Because this is fiction, Lincy. I can make unicorns come through the ceiling if I wanted to. Don't take it so seriously."

Flagg hangs up and takes another call. "Yeah?"

"Ask Lincoln what his biggest wish is, and turn it into the exact opposite of what he says."

Flagg hangs up and looks at the fourth wall. "Okay...I guess." He gets up and goes over to Lincoln, who cringes.

"Hey," Flagg says, kneeling, "what's your biggest wish?"

Lincoln blinks. "M-My what?"

"Your biggest wish. Like...what do you want from life?"

Lincoln thinks for a minute. "I wanna be a comic book artist!"

Flagg puts his finger to his chin. "Hmmmm. What's the exact opposite of that? Oh, I know."

He pulls out a kitchen knife and stabs Lincoln in the leg with it as hard as he can. Lincoln throws his head back and screeches in pain, his hand flying to his leg. Flagg laughs so hard he falls back on his ass. "How's that for comic book artist, you little homo?"

Lincoln rolls back and forth, tears streaming down his face.

"Fuck this!" Lynn yells, and throws herself at Flagg. Flagg has been anticipating this, however; he grabs her by the neck, throws her onto the floor, and rolls onto her, pinning her between his knees. He backhands her. "Always that one fucking hero, huh? Remember that, bitch? Or was that on another level of the Tower?" Flagg thinks for a minute. "I dunno." He wraps his hands around her neck and squeezes. Her eyes bug out. "I'd kill you if I wasn't planning on raping you," Flagg says. "But you know what? I'm a dead man, it's not necrophilia if _I_ fuck a dead body."

Lynn squirms under him, scratching his hands. Everyone is screaming for him to stop. He laughs as her eyes roll back into her head. He reaches down, unzips his pants, and brings out Lil' Flagg. He then yanks her shorts down and thrusts into her. "This is what happens when you play hero. Just ask Max. I fucked him up his ass the last time he messed with me."

Flagg thrusts in and out, finishing just as Lynn dies. For a moment, he lies on top of her, panting. Then he pushes himself up and pulls up his pants. He goes over to the couch, jams his hands into Lynn Sr.'s mouth, and pulls in opposite directions until his jaws separate and the top of his head comes entirely off. Flagg holds the severed half above his upturned face and lets blood drip down onto him. On the couch, Lynn Sr.'s body sits rigid, his hands clawing at his ruined bottom jaw. Everyone's screaming, crying, or passing out.

Flagg spikes the head like a football, his face smeared with blood, and goes back to his chair. "I told you assholes, I'm not fucking around this time. Next caller."

"Hey Flagg so I heard you hate the Louds! That great cause I have idea! I think we can help each other don't you? You see I've been reading this for a long time and chapter 8 has to be my favorite! Know why? Because I hate Lola! With like a passion dude! None of the fires in Hell could burn hotter than my hatred for the beauty pageant little bitch! So here's what I'd like to see! You know I kinda like the dead version of you! Because if it wasn't for dead you then I couldn't ask this! I want you to make Lola have fucking lesbian sex with Lana! I mean some good ass pussy licking! Then? Then I don't know... Have Kenny beat the shit out of her! That last parts up to you I don't really need anything to happen after the sex I didn't know if you had any ideas! If you do this I'll buy you whatever the hell you want? It could be some new torture device or a car or some fucking Starbux just anything! So please do this for me! I'll keep asking if you want so plz! I'll buy you anything! I'll give you a human sacrifice just anything! For me my dude!"

"I'd rather drink Lincoln's cum again than drink Starbucks, but, lesbian sex _is_ nice," Flagg says. He pulls out his gun and aims it at Lola. "You heard the man, eat your sister's pussy!"

"Fine," she sighs.

Lana looks uncomfortable.

"Take off your overalls," Flagg commands.

Swallowing hard, she unclasps them and pulls them off, followed by her underwear. She spreads her legs.

In his chair, Flagg twitches. "Wait a minute!"

Everyone looks at him.

"I'm getting a psychic vision here," he says, putting his fingers to his temple and closing his eyes. "Max Hero is back in the comments section, using it like his own personal inbox and sending reply after reply after reply. I thought you could only comment once per chapter."

Flagg shakes his head.

"Something about holding down the fort...keeping me from killing people...well, I've already killed two people today, but you know what? Before we continue with our regularly scheduled programming, we're gonna deal with this shit. I'm going to kill someone else and you, dear reader, are going to choose who." Flagg touches his chin. "Should it be Leni...Luna...Lisa...or Lincoln? Cast your vote now."


	13. Some Really Uncomfortable Stuff in Here

The phone rings and Flagg picks it up. "Tell me something good, Rufus."

"Who would think a musician such as Rogers would be in to pizza rolls. Bleh... Lisa, but why the hell kill them? Torturing is so much fun."

"Well, Kenny's a fat fucking washed up slob, that's why he's into them."

Kenny looks hurt. "Hey."

"Shut the fuck up. Next caller."

"Lisa."

Lisa goes white, and Flagg grins at her. "Lisa-Lisa, that's two votes for you. Looks like the fanbase hates you from head to toe." Flagg looks at the fourth wall. "Comment if you get it."

The phone rings again, and Flagg puts it to his ear. "Who's dying?"

"KILL LENI. SLOWLY... CUT HER BELLY OPEN AND MAKE HER WEAR HER ENTRAILS LIKE A SCARF!"

Leni starts to tremble. "Poor Leni," Flagg says, shaking his head. "I wouldn't want to have to waste a hot piece of ass like you. Next caller."

"Kill Luan, that dumb bitch with her snide jokes. Its so fucking annoying. I vote Luan, she freaking sucks at puns and jokes."

Luan winces. "Swastika guy's right. Your jokes _do_ suck. Next."

"Leni. She's so stupid!"

"Leni and Lisa...neck and neck." Flagg shifts in his seat. "It's like Bush and Gore all over again. Next."

"Anyone except Luna and Luan jeez they still need to bang."

Flagg sighs and covers the mouthpiece with his hand. "Luna and Luan, have sex so this asshole will get off my phone."

Luna and Luan look uncomfortably at each other.

"And Lola, I believe you were performing oral sex on Lana..."

Lola sighs and goes back to eating her sister out. At first Lana looks disgusted, then she slowly gets into it, humping her sister's face and running her hands through Lola's hair. Meanwhile, Luan mounts Luna and they start to kiss, flashes of their caressing tongues visible between their parted lips. Luan runs her hands through her sister's hair as Luna unbuttons Luan's shirt and runs her hand up her stomach. Flagg crosses his legs and leans against the arm of the chair, his chin resting against his thumb and his pointer finger touching his cheek, the knuckle of his middle finger against his lips. Luna and Luan are going at it like horny teenagers...which they are, actually. Luna unclasps Luan's bra and pulls it off, throwing it aside. Kenny watches with big eyes and an open mouth and Luna starts sucking on her sister's tit. Meanwhile, Lana is lying on her stomach as Lola eats her ass. The other Louds watch in either horror or, in Lincoln's case, obvious excitement.

The phone rings and Flagg picks it up without looking away. "Yeah?"

"W-what could be more disturbing than this chapter!? Once again, your sadistic genius is showing, and I love it! Leni, I hate to put you on the chopping block...but Flagg demands tribute! J-just take my vote. After all, there is a method to your madness."

"Yes there is," Flagg says and hangs up, watching as Luan stripes totally naked (except for her socks) and climbs into a naked Luna's lap. Their tits mash together. "Oh...uh...another vote for you, Leni," Flagg says flatly. He's enjoying the show.

Luna and Luan grind their pussies together and hold each other's faces in their hands as they cum, bucking and crying out. Lola and Lana 69, both of them cumming.

"I need a cigarette after that," Flagg says, lighting a smoke. He inhales deeply as the phone rings. "Yeah?" he asks after picking it up.

"Flagg1991, I'm here to give you a gift and a request! Here is a life gun so any loud that you or Kenny kills you or him can bring the person back to life so you can kill them again. And for my request...Make the Loud Family watch a 72 hours worth of Teen Titans Go! Trust me they will be begging for you to kill them."

A strange looking gun that resembles a hair dryer appears in Flagg's lap. "Holy shit!" he picks it up and looks at it. "This thing is _righteous!"_

He turns to the TV and, with a click of the remote, he turns on Teen Titans Go! "Enjoy," he says as he turns the life gun over in his hands. He freezes. "What's this? There's another setting." He looks closely. "Unlife? Let's try that!"

He aims the gun at Lynn, who is lying on the floor, dead, and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. "Hunk of junk..."

Flagg trails off when Lynn sits up, a hand fluttering to her head. Kenny's eyes widen. Everyone on the couch looks horrified.

Lynn gets to her feet and turns to Flagg. Her face is pale, dark circles ring her eyes, and her lips are a faint bluish color. And her eyes...her eyes are yellow.

Flagg gapes.

"Where am I?" Lynn asks. She tries to take a step forward, but hisses in pain.

"Oh, my..." Flagg grins. He looks at the fourth wall. "Dead men tell no tales...but this dead man's 'bout to _chase_ a tail." He turns back to Lynn. "How you feel, baby girl?"

A look of misery crosses Lynn's face. "My joints hurt."

"Ah, that's just the rigor mortis," Flagg says, waving a hand. "Come here and I'll help you with it."

Lynn hesitates.

"Really," Flagg says, "come here. It's not a trick."

Lynn comes forward, hissing with every step. "Here," Flagg nods to his right knee. "Take a seat."

She does, looking at him in pain. He takes her right arm in his hand, grazing her cold skin with his fingertips, and looks deeply into her dead eyes. "I learned this from a mortician in Louisville," he says, flexing her arm back and forth. "It's called breaking out the rigor mortis. I think. How does it feel?"

"Good," she whispers, closing her eyes and parting her lips. Flagg smiles, running his hand up her arm. She shivers. He takes her other arm and flexes it too. Holding her in his arms, he stands up and sets her down in the chair. "Now your legs."

He flexes one leg then the other, rubbing her claves, knees, and thighs. She gasps softly. "I like that."

Flagg grins. "So do I."

When he's done, he picks her up, sits back down, and slips an arm around her shoulder. She snuggles up next to him, her hand resting on his chest. He looks at the Louds. "I don't know...do whatever you want."

Lincoln starts to get up, but Kenny grabs him by the back of his shirt and makes him sit.

Lynn looks up at Flagg. "I never realized how handsome you are," she says and grins.

"Thank you," Flagg says, "death _has_ been kind to me."

She grabs his face in her hands and brings his head down. Flagg's chin is touching his chest. "And this hole in your head is so sexy." She leans forward and sticks her tongue into it. Flagg laughs. "That tickles."

Everyone looks repulsed. Kenny shakes his head and looks away.

Flagg wraps his right arm around Lynn's waist and then slips his left hand up Lynn's shirt. She gasps into his bullethole when he squeezes her breast. She lets go of his face, and they kiss, Lynn running her hands all over his head. Flagg slips his hands down the back of her shorts and grips her butt. She breaks the kiss and starts licking and sucking his neck. "Hey, Kenny," Flagg says, "what's it called when two dead people have sex?"

Kenny's face crinkles.

"I mean...is this necrophilia? Pedophilia? I don't even know anymore. This situation is so fucked."

Lynn takes her shirt off and throws it aside. Flagg's eyes flash with unnatural necro-lust.

The phone rings.

"Grab that, will ya, Kenny?" Flagg asks, pulling Lynn's shorts down and unzipping his pants.

Looking uncomfortable, Kenny picks up the phone. "Uh...hello?"

"Yo, what up. You know, I always fucking hated Clyde. Like, seriously hated. Why not bring him over, strap him to a beautiful, rickety, splintered wooden chair, and cover his eyes and mouth with duct tape. Then, kick the chair to make it fall backward, (Make sure it hurts), and then get a gasoline tank, and cover his face in gasoline until HE FUCKING DROWNS. Thanks! Stay classy, stay 2nd amendment!"

"Uh, yeah, okay, sure...we'll get to that in a minute. Flagg's, uh, Flagg's busy."

Lynn is bouncing up and down on Flagg's lap, Flagg's rotting fingers digging into her hips. "Cold pussy is _awesome_..." Flagg says, and laughs.

"So's cold dick," Lynn says, rocking her hips. She throws her head back, and Flagg traces the sides of her throat with his hands.

"I'm so going to hell," Flagg comments. "Or...back to hell."


	14. White Wedding

Flagg sits in his armchair, his legs crossed and a pair of reading glasses perched on his nose. In his hands he holds a printout of the comment section. Zombie Lynn is curled up next to him chewing a piece of loose skin on her finger. Flagg flips the page and laughs. "This guy here's writing a story where all these brave superheroes are hiding in a van, too scared to come in here." He throws his head back and laughs even harder. "I love it." He flips another page and looks down at Lynn. "Honey, you keep that up and you're not gonna have any skin left."

She shrugs and continues. "Whatever," Flagg says, scanning the paper. The phone rings, and he picks it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Invisible Prince."

Flagg's brows furrow. "Who?"

"I run with Max Hero."

Flagg sighs and puts his hand to his forehead. "Not this shit again."

"Look, Max is going out of town and he's leaving me in charge. Can you...not kill people until he comes back? Please."

Flagg shakes his head. "Well, I was going to tone it down with the killing anyway because if I kill everyone, who am I going to torture? And since you asked so nicely, fine. I won't kill any of the Louds." He looks at the fourth wall and smiles darkly. "I'll just bring them to the brink of death and snatch them back."

He hangs up the phone. "Max Hero," he says and shakes his head. "I'm getting to the point where I'm going to shoot myself in the head again and just stay dead this time. At least in hell there's no Max Hero."

Flagg balls up the print-out and throws it aside. "Anyway, I have a brilliant idea." He leans back, crosses his legs, and throws his arm around Zombie Lynn. "Hey, Kenny, you're an ordained minister, right?"

"In the state of Tennessee," Kenny says.

Flagg nods. "Good enough." He looks down at Zombie Lynn, then to Kenny and the Louds, a predatory smile on his face. "How 'bout you...marry me and Lynn here so I can become part of the Loud family?" He laughs richly. "Would you guys like that? Have a new brother?"

"No," Luna says.

"Yuck," Leni gags.

"Hell no," Lola says.

Flagg's face darkens. "Fuck you. I'd make a great brother." He motions to Kenny. "Come on, do it, make me Flagg fucking Loud."

Kenny shrugs and comes over. He takes a pocket Bible out of his pocket, and Flagg recoils. "Get that fucking thing away from me! You trying to start me on fire? Just...have us kiss or something."

Kenny rubs the back of his neck. "Uh, well, do you, Flagg...?"

Flagg waves his hands, "Yes."

Kenny looks at Lynn. "Do you, Lynn...?"

She nods, still biting her flesh.

"Well, by the power vested in me by the state of Tennessee, I now pronounce you zombie and, uh, wife. You may kiss the corpse."

Flagg grabs Lynn's face in both of his hands and sticks his tongue down her throat. "Alright," he says and jumps up. The Louds look mortified. He looks at Rita, grins, and cocks his head. "Mom!" He throws out his arms and walks over to her. "Aren't you going to welcome me to the family?" He grabs a handful of her hair, yanks her head back, and shoves his tongue down her throat too. "You know what?" he asks, kneeling. "Me and your dead thirteen-year-old daughter are going to make _lots_ of zombie babies. How does that sound?"

Crying, she shakes her head. "T-That's not my daughter."

"Sure it is," Flagg says, and glances over his shoulder. "Kind of." He gets up. "Let's take a call. Who should die?"

"Lisa."

"Ah, another vote for Lisa. You and Leni are still tied though. But because Max Hero runs the show now, I won't kill you until he gives me permission."

The phone rings. "Yeah?"

"Yo, what up. You know, I always fucking hated Clyde. Like, seriously hated. Why not bring him over, strap him to a beautiful, rickety, splintered wooden chair, and cover his eyes and mouth with duct tape. Then, kick the chair to make it fall backward, (Make sure it hurts), and then get a gasoline tank, and cover his face in gasoline until HE FUCKING DROWNS. Thanks! Stay classy, stay 2nd amendment!"

Flagg grabs a cellphone from the table and sends a text. Ten minutes later, there's a knock at the door, and Flagg answers it. Clyde McBride is standing on the front step. When he sees Flagg, confusion crosses his face. "Uh..."

"Get in here," Flagg spits, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and dragging him into the living room. "Kenny, grab a kitchen chair and some rope. We're having roast for dinner."

While Kenny gets the chair, Flagg looks at the fourth wall. "See, I promised not to kill any of the Louds, but I didn't say _anything_ about the McBrides." Kenny comes in and sets a chair down. Flagg shoves Clyde into it, and Kenny ties him up. Flagg wraps duct tape around Clyde's eyes and mouth. He then takes a red metal gas can from behind the couch. "Poor Clyde." He kicks the chair and it falls over. Clyde's head smacks the floor and he screams muffledly. Blood starts pooling on the carpet. "All he wanted in life," Flagg says, splashing the boy with gas, "was to be loved by Lori Loud." He circles Clyde, dumping gas on his face. "But Lori never loved him back." Flagg shakes his head. Clyde is thrashing and throwing his head back and forth as the gas covers him. "Sad." Finally, Clyde falls still. Flagg kneels down and checks his pulse. He smiles at the fourth wall. "He's alive." He then looks at Kenny. "When's someone's passed out, how do you wake them up?"

Kenny shrugs. "I dunno. How?"

Flagg stands up, steps back, and takes a book of matches from his pocket. "You set them on fire." He strikes a match and drops it on Clyde. Flames sprout up with a _whump_ and a crackle. Clyde comes awake, shrieking in agony. The Louds are all crying. The camera zooms in on Clyde's face: His skin is melting like candle wax and dripping in rivulets from his skull, which is starting to blacken. The heat causes pressure to build in his skull: His eyes pop wetly behind the duct tape.

Zombie Lynn is sitting up, craning her neck to see. "Umm...that smells good."

Flagg glances back at her. "You hungry, baby girl?"

She nods.

"Alright." Flagg takes out his switch blade and goes over to the couch. "How about a snack to hold you over?"

She nods eagerly.

Flagg grabs a handful of Leni's hair and drags her forward. Her eyes are wide and she's trembling. "Sorry you have to _hear_ this, but the _lobe_ of my life is hungry, so..." He brings the blade to Leni's ear and starts to saw it off. Blood spurts out and Leni howls in pain. Flagg's teeth are bared. He saws faster until the ear separates from the side of Leni's head, held in place by only a tiny band of skin. Flagg yanks, and it comes free. Leni presses her hands to the hole where her ear had been, blood gushing through her fingers. She's weeping.

"You want this, girl?" Flagg asks Zombie Lynn, who's sitting on her haunches, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. She nods enthusiastically.

Flagg throws it, and Lynn leaps into the air, catching it in her mouth. "Kenny, put that fire out and let's eat, huh? I'm starved..."


	15. Dinner with Flagg

Flagg is sitting in his armchair with Zombie Lynn curled up next to him, rending and gnawing on Leni's ear. The gaping hole in the side of Leni's head has been covered a piece of gauze that it now soaked with blood; Leni's hair is streaked with red. Kenny comes in from the kitchen wearing a chef's hat and an apron that says KISS THE COOK. He is carrying a plate on which is a sandwich smothered with BBQ sauce, and a hunk of barely cooked meat for Zombie Lynn. Flagg takes the plate with a nod and Zombie Lynn snatches the meat and starts chewing it.

"Nothing works up an appetite like rape and torture," Flagg says and takes a big bite of the sandwich, BBQ sauce dripping down his chin. Kenny goes back into the kitchen and comes back with a plate for each Loud. He sits them in their laps and they look down, disgusted.

"Eat," Flagg says, his mouth full.

No one moves.

"Kenny went through the trouble of making these delicious sandwiches, the least you can do it fucking eat them."

The Louds dig in one-by-one, gagging and wretching.

Flagg finishes his and licks his fingers. "Hmmm. I _love_ dark meat."

The phone rings, and he picks it up. "Yo."

"Ohh, me and my little kitty cat certainly enjoyed that. You have outdone yourself. Anyway.. I got a few more ideas, but I want to get a little more ancient, like, way more ancient. How about.. a brazen bull? ohh, yes. History lesson time! Brazen Bulls consist of the victim being locked inside a bull made of bronze, while a fire is lit under it, which heats up the bronze to unthinkable levels, scorching the person inside the bull alive. To get someone in the bull, simply lift the hatch on its back, light the fire, and sit back and watch as the victim slowly gets burned alive. Their screams will be translated into beautiful hymns! You probably don't have one, so I got my buddy Richard and my kitten Ice on the way to deliver it. Though, I need you to babysit my kitty, as I am going on a trip to the great lakes to enjoy Michigan a bit more. He mainly eats meat, but intestines will do. Have fun! Go ahead and do it on my favorite character, Lincoln."

Flagg covers the mouthpiece with his hand. "Now this guy's got me babysitting his cat. Pffft. Though if it likes blood it can't be _all_ bad."

A few minutes later, someone knocks on the front door and Flagg answers it. A guy in overalls drags in a big brazen bull and sets it next to the couch. A cat comes in and trots over to Flagg. He's a brown and white with markings on his ears. His nickname is Kilo and he is loving and aggressive. He likes the smoke from cigarettes and has a taste for catnip. He has a scar on his left ear as well. Flagg's eyes get really big. "Awwwwww, he's adorable!"

He picks Kilo up and strokes him; he purrs and snuggles against Flagg. "Your owner says you like blood. You hungry?"

The cat purrs louder.

"Okay, let's get you some blood."

Flagg whips out his knife, walks over to Lori, and slits her throat. She falls to the floor and Kilo jumps down and starts lapping the blood up. Flagg kneels and pets him. "This cat is sick, yo."

Behind him, the man makes an "ahem" noise.

"The fuck do _you_ want?" Flagg asks over his shoulder.

"A tip would be nice."

Flagg looks at Kenny. "You got a tip for this guy?"

Kenny shakes his head. "I'm flat broke, Flagg."

"Of course you are. The IRS liquiadated your assets twenty years ago or something, right? Pathetic." Flagg sighs, then brightenes. "Hey, I have an idea."

He gets up and grabs Luan. He leans in and kisses her neck. "You're going to go with this nice man, honey. See ya in hell."

The man's brows lift. "Her?"

"Yeah," Flagg says, shoving her toward him. "She's your tip. 14. Tight pussy. Slightly...um...used. Virgin butthole, I think."

"I didn't put it in her ass," Kenny said.

"There you go," Flagg says.

The man shrugs, picks Luan up, and throws her over his shoulder. Her mother and surviving siblings start crying and yelling and shit. "Bye, Chuckles," Flagg says and wiggles his fingers as the man carries her out. On the floor, Kilo starts hacking.

"The fuck's wrong with this cat?" Flagg asks.

In a moment, he produces a hairball. Flagg picks it up and looks at it. "Aw, man, this is gross."

He grabs Lola's bun off her sandwich, plops the hairball down, and replaces the bun. "Bon appetite, bitch."

Lola picks the sandwich up, eyes it, and, pinching her nose, takes a bite. She immediately pukes onto her plate. Flagg makes her lick it up.

The phone rings.

"Yeah?"

"So? By married lynn you became the new loud,but those that mean you have to get torture too because you are a loud. Unless you want to show your last name then you wont get torture you would be related to then but not by last name, and since your name is Flagg and have no last name then your know Flagg Loud. I know, it doesn't make sense."

Flagg's eyes widen. "Holy shit, he's right."

"What?" Kenny asks.

Flagg touches his chest. " _I'm_ a Loud."

"Okay."

"And what happens to Louds around here?"

Kenny looks confused.

"Come here, Kenny," Flagg says, and Kenny does. Flagg touches his chin. "Punch the shit out of me."

"But..."

"Do it!"

Kenny does; Flagg stumbles back, his head whipping violently to one side. "Ow! That hurt like a _motherfucker_...do it again."

Kenny punches Flagg again. This time Flagg falls back into his chair. He takes his knife and tosses it to Kenny. "Now bury this in my nutsack."

Kenny stabs Flagg in the crotch. Flagg's grip tightens on the arms of the chair and he utters a high pitched scream. When he takes the neck call, he sounds like Mickey Mouse. "Hello?"

"Yeah I'm back! I forget if the Who Should I Kill poll is still going on but you know how I feel about that Lola bitch! Kill her. Also Papa Flagg don't be mad at me but I actually was Bab the Broiler the entire time!"

Flagg raises one eyebrow. "I don't know who the fuck Bab the Broiler is, but okay. A vote for Lola." Flagg clasps his hand to his mouth. "Shit. I killed Lori and I wasn't supposed to. Damn." Flagg shakes his head. "Next."

"Make Luna's Rodie fuck Lincoln in the ass."

Flagg grins. "Oh, Chunk!"

Chunk steps out of a closet where he's been this whole time because he's a character that only pops up when he suits the writers' needs. "Fuck Lincoln," Flagg says.

"Aye, pip-pip, cheerio, mate."

Lincoln's face goes white. Chunk grabs him, spins him around, and yanks his pants down. "No, please!" Lincoln screams. Chunk shoves his bit British dick into Lincoln's butthole, and Lincoln's eyes go wide. He shrieks in pain as Chunk increases his speed. He soon passes out from the pain and hangs limp as Chunk totally decimates his butt. When Chunk is done, he drops Lincoln to the carpet.

Kilo jumps into Flagg's lap. "Well," Flagg says, stroking the cat's fur, " _that_ was fun. Next caller."


	16. Some Strange Stuff

Flagg lights a cigarette and inhales. Kilo looks up at him and meows: Flagg blows smoke into the cat's face, and it purrs. "This cat rules." He turns to Zombie Lynn, takes another puff, and blows it into her face. She just looks at him. "Oh, right. You aren't breathing because you're dead." He chuckles. "You _could_ if you wanted to, I mean."

"I don't want to," she said.

"Whatever. Get that phone, will ya?"

Zombie Lynn picks up the phone and hands it to Flagg. "Yeah?" he asks around the cigarette.

"Show the Louds a slideshow of every horror story you've put them through."

Flagg smiles. "I like that! Hey, Kenny, grab that projector that's just chilling in the kitchen for no reason."

While Kenny gets it and sets it up, Flagg looks at the Louds. The bandage around Leni's head is bloody. Lincoln keeps rubbing his sore ass. Luna's knees are drawn up to her chest. The rest look dazed and confused.

"Alright, Flagg," Kenny says when the projector is set up. Flagg grabs Zombie Lynn's hand and they stand up. Kilo jumps off of Flagg's lap and jumps onto the couch next to Lincoln.

"Kill those lights, Kenny," Flagg says. Kenny turns out the lights, and Flagg starts the projector up, sitting at Rita Loud's feet. Zombie Lynn sits in his lap, and he puts his arm around her neck. "You're gonna like this, Mom."

Flagg clicks a button, and a picture appears on the screen of Leni and Lori sitting side-by-side in what appears to be a van. Their hands are bound and both look frightened. "That's from _The Last Loud House on the Left_ ," Flagg explains. "They were just kidnapped from the mall parking lot by John Krog and Ferret Murphy. Look how much fun they're having!"

Leni watches the screen intently.

Flagg clicks the button, and a new picture appears. A man with bushy black hair is kneeling over Lynn, his finger in his face and a snatch of her hair in his hand. They are in the Loud family's living room. Flagg squeezes her close to him. "That's you getting slapped around for trying to be a hero. Also from _The Last Loud House on the Left_."

He clicks the button again, and everyone gasps. Lynn Loud Sr. is lying on his stomach in the back of a van, his hands bound behind his back and his head smashed open, brain matter oozing out of his ruined skull. "Also from _TLLHOTL_. Shhhh, that's a mouthful."

Another click, and a picture appears showing Luan in a coffin, her hands folded over her chest. "That's from _A Nightmare on Loud Street_. Freddy Krueger was the man of her dreams. Get it?"

Another click. Luna lying on the ground, a man with a burned face and knives on his fingers standing over her. Luna draws a shocked breath. "Luna was next."

Flagg clicks the button again. This picture shows Lori hanging from a meat hook, her face twisted in agony. "That's from _The Texas Chain Saw Loud House_ , since deleted because it sucked and I needed room for more stories."

Another click, and several members of the Loud family are sitting around a big dining room table, their hands tied. "Also from _TTCSLH_. You assholes were about to chow on some human flesh. Like you just did!" Flagg claps his hands and laughs.

The next picture is of a hulking monster wearing a hockey mask holding Leni's head in-between its hands. Her feet are not touching the floor. "That's from _Friday the Loudteenth_ ," Flagg says. "Leni was looking for her sunglasses but couldn't find them, so she went into the basement and Jason Voorhees got her ass."

"Oh, my God," Leni draws. "You're sick."

"Fuck you, bitch."

The next picture shows Lana's dead body hanging from the shower head in the bathroom. Lana gasps. "Also from _Friday the Loudteenth_. Lana was taking a dump when Jason came into the bathroom and rammed her head into the wall."

The next one shows a bloody mess of limbs on a bed. "Lori and Bobby were having sex when Jason came rushing out of the closet and massacred them."

The next slide is of Lincoln lying in bed, his neck swollen and his face covered in sweat. Lucy is sitting in a kitchen chair next to him, tears standing out on her cheeks. "That's from _Lucy's Stand_ , my personal favorite. Here we see Lincoln dying of the Superflu, a manmade plague that escaped from a government laboratory and killed 99 percent of the world's population. Lucy survived."

The next slide shows Lucy facing away from the camera. She's on a long, straight road. Storm clouds are gathered ahead. The world on either side of the highway is empty.

"Look at Lucy all alone because her entire family died," Flagg laughs. "But don't worry, she finds a new family."

Flagg clicks the button again, and a demonic face with sharp teeth and horns fills the screen. Everyone cries out in alarm. "That's Randall Flagg. You know, I think I might be him on this level of the Tower. I don't know. Maybe not. He had a set-up in Las Vegas and tricked Lucy into thinking he was a cool guy, and she went to hang with him."

The next slide is of building exploding and people lying dead on what looks like the tarmac of an airport. A man with a crazed look in his eye is driving away on an ATV. "That's Trash. He's a firebug. What we see here is Indian Springs AFB north of Vegas. Flagg was getting ready to send fighter jets across the Rockies to deal with some assholes in Colorado, and Lucy used her powers – oh, yeah, she had powers in this – to get in Trash's head and use him to blow the planes up. Killed thirteen people." Flagg turns to a visibly shaken Lucy. "That's right, bitch; you've killed more people than me. How does it feel?"

He turns back to the screen and clicks the button. The screen is completely white. "Uh, I think your projector thingie's broken," Lola says.

"Nope. That's a picture of Lucy dying in a nuclear explosion."

"Oh."

"And speaking of Lucy."

The next slide shows Lucy lying on her stomach before the front door. A doll with red hair and wearing a little mime costume is straddled on her back, a bloody knife raised high. "That's Chucky killing Lucy in _Child's Play in the Loud House_. Lucy found out he was alive and tried to throw him in the fireplace."

The next slide shows Lynn and Luna lying dead in the middle of the kitchen, the floor splattered with blood. An ax is jutting from Luna's neck. "That's _Night of the Bimbo Sisters_. That's a close second for favorite." The next slide shows Lucy ripping Lisa's throat out with her bare teeth; Lisa is holding a gun in her hand. "It was a fucking bloodbath." The next slide shows Lucy with the gun in her mouth and the top of her head exploding. "Lisa turned everyone into a sex maniac except for Lincoln and they spent the whole time trying to fuck him. Lynn got all aggressive and shit, Lucy got a hankering for blood, and everyone else...well..."

The next slide shows a plane flying over Royal Woods. Something is falling from it. " _Night of the Bimbo Sisters 2_. The whole town is infected and the government nukes it. Man, my stories are fucking cool. Last one."

The last one is of Lincoln standing in the kitchen. He is wearing Luan's skirt, shirt, socks, and Groucho Marx glasses. A knife is in his hand. "What the fuck?" Lincoln asks.

" _The Diary of Lincoln Loud_. It's a sequel to _The Diary of Luan Loud_. Luan is a sociopath who rapes Lincoln then goes to jail. Lincoln goes crazy with the realization that the sister he thought he knew was a lie and never loved him, so he invents some sick fantasy where she does love him but got sent away by Lori because...I don't know, I told you he went crazy. Here he's going full Norman Bates and is about to stab his psychiatrist. Don't worry, though, it's only a flesh wound."

Kenny turns off the lights and Flagg turns off the projector. "Alright. Next caller."

"... Go to Las Vegas and sell yourself to the public (Remember you are a Loud)."

Flagg snaps his fingers. "That's right, I forgot to mention the last time around: Since I am now a Loud, I'm subject to the same rules as the rest of my lovely family. If there's something you want to see Kenny do to me, call up."

Flagg stands. "Well, off to Vegas."

Flagg gets a taxi, goes to the airport, and jumps on a red eye flight to Vegas. He arrives at dawn and takes another taxi to the MGM Grand. He called ahead and had a friend of his erect a stockade in the parking lot. Flagg bends over and his friend clicks the top piece into place. Flagg's hands and head poke out. "Pull down my pants, will ya?"

"Okay." The friend pulls down Flagg's pants, revealing his ass. "Alright," Flagg calls to a group of passing tourists (they look Chinese), "hot butthole. Five bucks a pop."

The tourists walk quickly by, looking at Flagg like he's crazy. Next comes a big black guy in a white shirt. "Yo, dawg," Flagg says, "you tryna hit?"

The black man looks taken aback. But also intrigued. "How much?"

"Five bucks."

He shrugs. "Alright."

The man gets behind Flagg and pulls his pants down. "You ever make love to a man before?" Flagg asks.

"Nah, this is a first for me."

"Me too. Be gentle."

The man shoves his dick into Flagg's ass, and Flagg screams as the tender flesh of his butthole rips. "Goddamn! Is that a dick or a baseball bat?"

"You know what they say about black guys," the man says, pumping.

"That they steal shit?"

The guy slams his dick even harder into Flagg. "Ow! Damn! Sorry!"

When the guy dumps his load into Flagg's butt, he pulls his pants up and hands Flagg's friend five dollars. By now a line has formed: Dudes of every shape, size, and color wait to get a piece of what Flagg's got. By the end of the day, his butt is bleeding and he has made 500 dollars.

He catches another flight by to Royal Woods and comes through the door of the Loud house to find Kenny and Lincoln playing Go Fish. They look up when he waddles in. He sits an inflatable doughnut in his chair and slowly lowers himself onto it, hissing.

"Have fun?" Kenny asks.

"Fuck you," Flagg says. "Next caller."

"Here's an idea stupid enough to work, prank call Death and blame it on Lucy, chances are she'll be pulled to Hell for eternal torture."

Lucy shakes her head.

"Oh, yes," Flagg says. He dials Death, and he answers on the third. "Reaper residence."

"Yeah," Flagg says in a high pitched falsetto, "my name's Lucy Loud. I live at 1216 Franklin Avenue, Royal Woods, Michigan, USA, and I think you're a bitch."

"Hey, fuck you, kid," Death replies.

"No, fuck you, you Skeletor looking motherfucker. Come at me. I eat pussies like you for breakfast."

Flagg hangs up and crosses his arms, a satisfied smile on his face. Lucy looks terrified. "Any moment now..."

The door flies open and the Grim Reaper himself floats in with a scythe in his hands. "Which one of you assholes is Lucy Loud?"

"Her," Flagg says, pointing, "she called you. I just watched the whole thing."

Death floats toward Lucy. He pulls his scythe back and rams the bottom of it into Lucy's head. "That's for prank calling people."

He turns, floats over to Flagg, and does the same thing. "Ow, fuck!"

"That's for letting it happen."

Death floats out and the door slams behind him.

"Fucking prick," Flagg says, rubbing his head. "Two other adults in this room and he picks _me_ to hit. Next caller."

"Have Leni get Hit by A Bus and Turned into a Cake Then Everyone Eat Leni Cake."

Flagg's eyebrows furrow. "That's odd...but sounds fun." He gets up, grabs Leni, and drags her outside. A school bus is lumbering down the street. Leni screams and thrashes in Flagg's arms. "Say hello to Lori for me," he says, and shoves her in front of the bus. She is sucked under the tires. The bus keeps going. She is pancake flat. Flagg grabs her, takes her back inside, and snaps his fingers. Suddenly her head and arms are poking out of a giant chocolate cake. She looks around, confused, then down at herself, whereupon she screams.

Flagg grabs a piece and eats it. "It's a little dry," he says.

"Well," Kenny says, "if you want it moist you gotta turn her on."

"How the fuck do I turn a cake on, Kenny?"

Kenny shrugs. "Like a real girl, I guess. Use your fingers."

Flagg shoves his fingers into Leni's cake body. She looks at him strangely. "Is this doing anything for you?" he asks.

"Not a thing."

"Whatever," he says, producing a knife and cutting pieces off, "I guess we'll just have dry cake."

He hands everyone a plate then sits back down. "Next caller."


	17. Hats off to the Bull

The phone rings and Flagg picks it up. "This better be good."

The camera pans back to reveal Rita's head bobbing up and down between his legs.

"Could you add an extra torture for Lola SOLELY because she dabbed?"

Flagg's eyes widen. "She did _what?"_

Flagg drops the phone and shoves Rita away. "Move, bitch, this is important." He gets up and crosses to Lola. He puts his hands on his hips. "Care to explain, young lady?"

She looks away and shrugs. "Dabbing?" Flagg asks. "Fucking _dabbing?_ What the fuck is that, anyway? Is it a dance?" Flagg throws his arm up over his face in a perfect dab...then brings it down and hits Lola in the face. "You like dabbing now, you little bitch?" He grabs her tiara off her head.

"Hey! Give it back!"

"Little girls who dab don't deserve tiaras." He throws it to the ground and stomps on it while Lola cries.

The phone rings.

"Hello?"

"So I noticed you enjoy showing Lisa as a Nazi, so that got me thinking: what are the chances that the real one is? Since you're right there, why not do some investigating? Check her room, the basement, the attic, etc. and well... let the family see the results."

Flagg snaps his fingers. "Good idea."

Lisa shakes her head and Flagg grins. "What's wrong, little girl? Afraid your family is about to learn a dark secret?"

"No," she says quickly.

Upstairs, Flagg dumps her room looking for evidence of disgraceful Nazism. He destroys her lab for pure sadistic enjoyment, pulls out her draws, flips her mattress, rummages through her closet. Nothing.

"Hm," he says, putting his hands on his hips. "I guess she's really _not_ a Nazi." He leans against the wall. "I was wrong..."

A panel depresses and the back of the closet opens up to reveal a secret room stuffed full of Nazi stuff: Flags, uniforms, weapons, portraits of Hitler and other high ranking Nazi leaders. "Holy shit," Flagg mutters. "I was right. She _is_ a fucking Nazi." Laughing, Flagg goes into the room and looks around. He grabs a Nazi flag and dabs his brow with it. He picks up a rifle and smashes a glass case with it. He aims the gun at a mannequin wearing uniform and opens up on it, ripping it to bits.

Grabbing an armful of stuff, he goes to the living room and drops it in front of Rita, whose eyes widen. "Your daughter's a Nazi scumbag racist piece of shit. How does it feel?"

Anger crosses Rita's face. "Lisa, you're grounded!"

Lisa sighs.

The phone rings again. "Hello?"

"Ever heard of the movie Stand By Me, well there's a scene where two kids almost get hit by a train, let's do that, but without the "almost" Also, zombify more of them."

"Hmmm..." Flagg snaps his fingers, and suddenly he, Luna, and Leni are on a railroad bridge high above a river. A train is coming toward them. Leni screams and Luna pales. She tries to run, but Flagg grabs her and wraps his arm around her. "We're gonna storm the beaches at Normandy, you little slut!"

"Let go, please!"

The train comes closer.

Leni falls down and curls up into a ball.

Flagg holds Luna close as the train gets closer. "Rock and roll train...runnin, runnin off the tracks!" He throws up the devil horns sign and sticks his tongue out as Luna screams. The train hits Leni first, mangling her under its wheels. Then it hits Luna and Flagg. Luna is sucked underneath and killed; Flagg is knocked aside and falls off the bridge, landing on a rock with a sickening crack. He snaps his fingers and appears in the living room. Rita and Lana are now zombies.

Flagg sits in his chair and Zombie Lynn sits on his lap. "You know, I think I've had my fun here." He slips his hand up Zombie Lynn's shirt and squeezes her zombie breast. "Honk! Hahahaha. But really, I'm bored. You ready to go, Kenny?"

Kenny shrugs. "Yeah, I'm done."

"Great."

Flagg makes a call, and a dude shows up with Luan. Her lip is split, her eyes are both black, her hair is messed, and she can barely walk.

"It's been real, Kilo," Flagg says, stroking the cat and then handing it to the dude, "but you gotta go back to your master now."

Flagg shoves Zombie Lynn off of his lap, goes over to the couch, and grabs Lincoln, who thrashes. He throws Lincoln into the bronze bull and builds a fire underneath. After a few minutes, the bronze heats up and Lincoln starts to scream in pain. Flagg sits in his chair and points to Zombie Rita. "You like Van Halen?"

"They're okay."

"I do. My favorite VH song is "Finish What You Started."" He points to his dick. Zombie Rita comes over, gets down on her knees, and sucks his dick while Lincoln's agonizing screams mingle with the smell of roasting flesh. Flagg nuts into Zombie Rita's mouth, then shoves his gun against her head and pulls the trigger: Her brains splatter the carpet. He shoots all of the remaining Louds except Zombie Lynn.

"Alright, guys," Flagg says, taking Kenny's hand in one of his and Zombie Lynn's in the other. "Let's go."

They skip happily into the sunset.

THE END.


End file.
